Table Of Contents

Sunday, October 15, 2006

no. 005 [from thursday to today...]


"Ender" by Finch

A lot can happen in four days. From being stood up, to helping some people you barely know at some party, these past four days have been a crazy ride. This is actually the happiest I've ever been to be sitting in an empty house in my pajamas on a Sunday morning. No football, books open, and ready for me to write the first page of my term paper. Finch is playing in the background, thoughts constantly running through the back of my mind. I keep thinking about why I've been stood up twice in the past month, my future, my music, school, girls, my family, too many things. No matter what happens there will always be problems. This weekend really opened up my eyes to how important family really is. Even if you're not blood, that tie can be there. Drunken words slurred or not, it was said. Someone wise told me the truth comes out when your drunk, and all I got was love from my family, both blood and not. There were some heads butting, some words said that I do regret, my actions were horribly reflected of me, and I wish I could take those back. Some however I said in all seriousness, and there was no need for what I said as a sarcastic term to be taken anywhere near serious. Luckily I didn't break that camera. I'm not embarrassed, and neither should anyone else. That goes for a lot of people. I did what I did, and part of me is truly sorry for losing my cool, but you gotta remember that the other part of me, the part that was raised in Hayward, doesn't feel sorry. Like it or not, that's how it is. Either way I have some serious thinking to do, and I seriously need to figure out where everything is going. As for my "date", it's over. I sever it here. I honestly am tired of excuses, and I don't want to hear another one. Call me a hard-ass, call me what you will, that is how it is. I'm torn apart by these feelings. I wasn't blindsided by her, I was blindsided by the thought of someone actually liking me. Lame isn't it? Second time this month. Yay, one more and I break my record! Notice the sarcasm. (Rolls eyes) Side note, forget him. He's a douche bag. He had his chance and he fucked it up. If Alex kicks his ass it's only because he was asking for it. Back to the main story, it turns out that my proverbial
shoulder to cry on wasn't there for me, and probably won't be for a while, because she's "involved". Hmm...one stab after another. I'm happy for her, I really am, but I can't hide the piercing feeling in my stomach. You'd think all of this would make for some great material for songs; yeah, it doesn't. From being stood up, to not wanting to go to class, to locking doors, to helping the sick, injured and just plain drunk, to wanting to strangle a certain someone, to guessing what the 'B' stood for, to having my heart semi-broken (once again), this weekend has been a wild-ass ride. Would I change it?...not a bit. Who knows, if everything is meant to happen, who knows what this will lead into. I'd hate to quote a really crappy movie, but someone once said good things take time, but great things happen all at once. Hopefully my all at once is right around the corner.
-antony
ps: that quote was from the movie "Rat Race"...yeah, I know...fuckin' lame.
= D