Table Of Contents

Saturday, March 3, 2007

no. 006 [change...]


"What Sarah Said" by Death Cab For Cutie

I love how everything that is going on in my life somehow comes together in one central theme, like a TV show or something.
So I found a notebook from 2003 today. I read it and smiled, then realized how some people can go from thanking you for being there for them in their time of need, to totally ignoring you. It's sad really.
People like to think that things won't change when things are going good, but in reality we change everyday. In the past couple of days I've realized that a lot has changed. From noticing a change in a person I once called a friend, to being apologized to by an old friend, to realizing that I myself have changed.
A year ago I wouldn't have done what I did yesterday. I took a chance, and dove into the water. I came back up with nothing, just myself, and a pain in my chest. But I realized that the pain came from the impact of hitting the proverbial water, and not so much from me coming back up alone. A year ago I wouldn't have done that. I would have just looked at the water, and I would have walked off the diving board. I am proud of myself for jumping in. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. So I tried, and failed. I lick my wounds and move on. You cannot be successful if you fear failure. If you don't fear failure, and take risks, chances are you'll be successful. So I'm working on my fear of failure. But I know by what I did yesterday that I'm making progress. I am not sad, because like I said, I came back up alone, just myself, unchanged. I didn't lose anything, but gained a friend, and some self-respect.
Also, I talked to an old friend today. Despite all the drama that has happened between she and I, we actually talked today. She apologized for everything that has happened in the recent past. I was a little apprehensive to see her, but I'm really glad that I did. We talked for a long time, about past relationships, friends, so-called friends, ourselves, etc. I guess we have both learned a lot over the past couple of months. We learned that we were both wrong, about a lot of things. I told her how I've been trying to rebuild bridges with some old friends, and how I've been hell bent about how I am "defined", ect.
A good friend told me that it doesn't matter what other people think about you, it's what your family, your friends, and what you yourself think about you. That is what defines you. Even though I feel as if a friend of mine doesn't seem to care anymore, for that one friend I have a handful that actually care for me. At the very least, I know that I mean everything to one of them. And to hear that from her made me feel a million times better. Thank you.
I'd hate for this to sound like the ending of an episode of Scrubs, complete with a Death Cab For Cutie song playing in the background, but I think I finally understand what David said to me that one day. "Things change, people grow. You can't help that." I guess he was right. No matter how much you fight it, things will change. Sometimes it's for the better, and sometimes it's not. We just have to accept it and move on...and I will try my best in doing so.
chow.mein.lesson.learned.

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