Table Of Contents

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

no. 009 [my question mark...]

"Dilute" by The Honorary Title

It's funny how everything can go totally and utterly wrong, yet lead to where you wanted to be. I guess I plan out everything so much that when anything goes wrong I feel disappointed with myself. I need to learn to go with the flow, because if I don't, any and every little unexpected "bump in the road" will knock me on my ass.

It feels as if many people have been virtually "knocked on their asses" as of late. I have had a couple of knockdowns in the recent past myself. The one thing about getting knocked down is getting back up again. We need to take them on the chin and learn from them.

I like to think of life as a game of solitaire; when you can pretty much do everything right, and you are almost done, but then you hit a block and you know that you just need one card to open up the floodgates. You see the answer, but no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to make it right, and you end up making a bigger mess of it. It's when you finally admit defeat that the game is truly over. I have a bad time admitting defeat, as many others do as well. But if I have learned anything from this past weekend, it's that it's never too late to admit defeat.

Whether it's telling someone that they have to grow up, standing up to your family, realizing that your family does care (even if they have a hard time showing it), having someone tell you that they love you, having to tell someone that you don't love them, or admitting that you really do love somebody (not talking about myself here), the truth is always the best policy. It's admitting to the truth that will ultimately lead you to the answer.

The truth may not always be the easiest way to go, but it's a lot less complicated. Some people may not want to hear the truth, but it's always the best way to go. It may be difficult to cope with, but if it's important to you, it's worth dealing with. As a wise man once said, "Nothing in life worth having comes easy, you have to really work for it."

So as another chapter ends in my life, I admit defeat, stop making a bigger mess of it, and "deal a new game." But I'll remember all of what has happened this past week, as best as I can. Because once you forget what you have learned, that's when you really lose. And as I ventured back home with two good friends one asked me if I was okay, and I could honestly answer, "Yeah, I'm Okay. I really am." And as a new chapter begins, I won't pretend that you won't be gone, and I'll just go with the flow. It is what it is. You can't control your feelings, trust me, I know, I've been there before. If it's meant to be, our paths will cross again, but until then, "You my friend, are a question mark", and I mean that in a good way…


Tuesday, April 3, 2007

no. 008 [on betrayal & belonging...]

"Silence" by Blindside

Life is funny. I don't think that I say that enough. For some weird reason the words future, plans, betrayal, and belonging keep running through my mind.

Spring Break is supposed to be relaxing, right? Then why do I have a funny feeling in my gut? I hate that feeling. Maybe it's that History essay that I have to do, or maybe it's that Sign Language paper that I've been putting off, Or maybe it's about belonging, or feeling betrayed, or that thing that totally knocked me on my ass.

As I worked on my Sign Language paper I found a quote that was both thought provoking, and shockingly relevant. "Do you see how I feel like I'm on the fence, like I'm pretending to fit into both worlds and not feeling that I fit into anything?" -Shane Spurlock, a deaf man who killed himself in 2005.

It's sad really, how someone's last words could tie into my situation. Professionals classify him as having a mental issue. I think he was just searching for a purpose.

I don't want to kid myself, and I don't want to be someone I'm not. I don't want to act a certain way to impress someone, or to make someone proud. It goes back to the last blog, and the idea of principles. I don't want to do something I feel is wrong, just because the ends justify the means. Yet when I decide not to "conform" (for lack of a better term) I feel betrayed. It's like I'm disappointing my friends, or my family.

Yesterday I was told to do something, which totally and utterly knocked me on my ass. I don't take orders too well, or criticism for that matter. As I sat there rebounding from that critical blow to my spirit I thought to myself, Do they even listen? Do they even care?
I had everything planned out, just to have it shoved back in my face. But it's not having it shoved back in my face by society, or my friends, or my family that kills me...but it's the fact that I, in a way, helped shove it back in my face.

Betrayal is a symptom...and Belonging is a dream. You get one without thinking about it, and you pray to God for the other. In my case, one is very present, and I just don't care for either of them anymore. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Betrayal and Belonging kinda go hand in hand. Whether it's feeling weird around your friend's friends, having your plans fall through, feeling betrayed by someone you would have never expected, or feeling betrayed by yourself, no one wins. I guess this is just something you have to take in and learn from, because no one can save you from this one, but yourself.
I think I overanalyze things too much. I think that I think too much. I think that I feel too much. I wish I could be numb to everything that has been bothering me lately. I wish I could be numb to myself. I guess I'll continue searching for a purpose. However, in the meantime, I'll try doing it my way.


Dedicated to Shane Spurlock, and anyone else that feels the same way.