"Silence" by Blindside
Life is funny. I don't think that I say that enough. For some weird reason the words future, plans, betrayal, and belonging keep running through my mind.
Spring Break is supposed to be relaxing, right? Then why do I have a funny feeling in my gut? I hate that feeling. Maybe it's that History essay that I have to do, or maybe it's that Sign Language paper that I've been putting off, Or maybe it's about belonging, or feeling betrayed, or that thing that totally knocked me on my ass.
As I worked on my Sign Language paper I found a quote that was both thought provoking, and shockingly relevant. "Do you see how I feel like I'm on the fence, like I'm pretending to fit into both worlds and not feeling that I fit into anything?" -Shane Spurlock, a deaf man who killed himself in 2005.
It's sad really, how someone's last words could tie into my situation. Professionals classify him as having a mental issue. I think he was just searching for a purpose.
I don't want to kid myself, and I don't want to be someone I'm not. I don't want to act a certain way to impress someone, or to make someone proud. It goes back to the last blog, and the idea of principles. I don't want to do something I feel is wrong, just because the ends justify the means. Yet when I decide not to "conform" (for lack of a better term) I feel betrayed. It's like I'm disappointing my friends, or my family.
Yesterday I was told to do something, which totally and utterly knocked me on my ass. I don't take orders too well, or criticism for that matter. As I sat there rebounding from that critical blow to my spirit I thought to myself, Do they even listen? Do they even care?
I had everything planned out, just to have it shoved back in my face. But it's not having it shoved back in my face by society, or my friends, or my family that kills me...but it's the fact that I, in a way, helped shove it back in my face.
Betrayal is a symptom...and Belonging is a dream. You get one without thinking about it, and you pray to God for the other. In my case, one is very present, and I just don't care for either of them anymore. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
Betrayal and Belonging kinda go hand in hand. Whether it's feeling weird around your friend's friends, having your plans fall through, feeling betrayed by someone you would have never expected, or feeling betrayed by yourself, no one wins. I guess this is just something you have to take in and learn from, because no one can save you from this one, but yourself.
I think I overanalyze things too much. I think that I think too much. I think that I feel too much. I wish I could be numb to everything that has been bothering me lately. I wish I could be numb to myself. I guess I'll continue searching for a purpose. However, in the meantime, I'll try doing it my way.
Dedicated to Shane Spurlock, and anyone else that feels the same way.