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Thursday, May 31, 2007

no. 010 [my midnight mistake...]

"These Streets" by Paolo Nutini

"It's not what it looks like" is an over-used phrase. I never thought I'd have to use it, or have it used against me. It's so cliché, or TV-esk. Somehow it doesn't surprise me that I had to use it, or that I had it used against me. Karma's a bitch.

Actions speak louder than words. But sometimes they say the wrong things. Words, I feel, can be equally as effective as actions, when used correctly. But how do you use them correctly?

During these past couple of weeks I've learned a lot. I learned who really cares for me, I learned that I can do anything if I believe in myself, I learned that I'm not always right, and I learned that communication is everything.

Without communication we can only go on actions. But actions, and looks, can be deceiving, they really can. You go on your first impulse, and often jump to conclusions. Trust me, it's not a pretty landing. Just seeing something for what YOU think it is can be damaging. I don't think people can really understand what someone else is going through until they are put in that exact same position. Lucky me, I was put in that position. It wasn't until I experienced it first hand that I realized how much of a big deal it really was. I knew how she felt, because I felt the same way. It felt as if someone had reached into you, and ripped your heart clean out. And it leaves a sour taste in your mouth, and your stomach hurts for days.

People do stupid things when they are in love. Yeah, they really do. Whether it's stopping your life for that one person, moving across country with them, telling them how you really feel, or just doing the worst possible thing imaginable in front of them…people do stupid things when they're in love.

I've seen all of these scenarios backfire in the past couple of weeks. I've been witness to each and every one. Turns out that move wasn't worth it, because she already has someone, but you continue to say that you don't have feelings for her, that she's only a friend, when it really is eating you up inside; and that your words actually made her stay, because for once she heard what you had to say, only to have it bite you in ass at around midnight at your graduation party in the backyard; or having the same thing happen to you, and realizing that Josh was right about her, and why your cousin was so overprotective.

Lack of communication results in failure. I hate failure. Now I have to untangle this huge mess, and I don't know where to start. If I had just spoken from the heart from the beginning things wouldn't be so bad. The same goes for the other people in this blog. Take note, speaking from the heart is how you use words correctly. If you speak from the heart it's usually the most positive way to use your words. People do stupid things when they're in love, right? I think people do worse things when they THINK that they're in love…yup yup.

You gotta look at the positives, it could have been a lot worse. But somehow I think I'll be just fine. Like the most beautiful girl I've ever had the pleasure of meeting said, "We'll always be friends, no matter what. And you'll always have a special place in my heart." And as I type this with her head on my shoulder reading every word and smiling, I know that we'll be okay…we really will.

As for everything else, you live and you learn. Don't be afraid to take chances, be sure to communicate, and most importantly, be yourself. When you lie to yourself you lie to everyone. Trust in yourself, and others will trust in you. Oh…and be sure to lock your damn gate to your backyard after 11PM!...haha!

"Not funny!" -her


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