Table Of Contents

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

no. 013 [my trip to the airport...]

"Winter" by Joshua Radin

I think it's unfair that when people reveal that they're scared, they are looked at as being weak. I don't know, I think a lot of people have a hard time admitting that they are scared of something.

I'm not sure about someone anymore. I mean, lately I'm not surprised. The one thing I never thought she'd do to me didn't even faze me. It was as if I didn't expect it, but deep down inside I did. I don't know what is more disappointing, the fact that she lied to me, or the fact that I wasn't surprised.

Then again, I'm not sure about many things anymore. You'd think telling someone something really hard would come back at you tenfold, but it didn't. I think he wasn't surprised either. And that also disappoints me.

I hate how things have been lately, from confronting someone about a lie, to having to tell someone something that you didn't want to, to having to accept something that you didn't earn, to making the decision to stay and to go to school closer to home, to accepting yourself the way you are…

Life is scary, we can't go on pretending that we're not scared, but at the same time we can't wear our emotions on our sleeves all of the time. I think the hardest part about being scared is finding a balance between showing it, and not showing it. That balance is dealing with it.

In my own personal opinion, I don't think admitting that you're scared makes you weak, in fact, I think it proves that you are a strong person, strong enough to admit how you feel, strong enough to stand up to a friend, strong enough to put your pride aside, strong enough to realize what's best, and strong enough to admit your flaws.

We all get scared sometimes, but we have to deal with it. I am still afraid of the unknown, but it's not gonna stop me from venturing into it. The future may seem scary at times, but it is what it is, you can't control it, but don't let it control you.

And as I saw the airplane leave, I knew that she'd make the right choice for herself, no matter how long it took. Hopefully she won't disappoint me again, at the very least she admitted that she was scared too, and that's enough for me.


no. 012 [my hometown...]

"Franklin" by Paramore

I don't know what possessed me to go back, but I did. I think it was the notion that I kept getting, the whole "what if?" thing. So I took a day for myself to reflect, to visit, to see, to experience it all over again.

Growing up you think all is perfect. As a child you know nothing really of the outside world, you know what you see around you, and you assume all is as it should be. This past Friday I was truly able to see how ignorance is indeed bliss.

As a child I thought all places were like Hayward. I never thought that there could be a quote, "better place". I hated moving out to Manteca. I thought this place was the worst possible place to live. Going back I was really humbled, and for the first time in my life, I was actually glad that my parent's were able to get us (my brothers and I) out of that place.

I think after going through the experiences that I have, and seeing Hayward for what it is today would make anyone change their mind about that place. I almost feel as if I'm betraying my hometown by being happy that I'm out of there. I mean, the crime, the poverty, just the whole dirty feel of it, it isn't the city that I grew up in, and loved.

I think the most disappointing thing about my trip back was realizing that my dream home, my grandparent's old house, isn't what I thought it was. I think that was the hardest thing to deal with. I loved that house so much, but just like the rest of the city, it also changed. At least I hope that's what it is. Deep down I really hope that it all changed, and that it wasn't like that the entire time…

Don't get me wrong, this isn't an attempt for me to clear up my "street credibility", or prove that I'm "hood" or whatnot. Anyone that really, and truly grew up in that kind of environment that has at the very least an ounce of self-respect in them will tell you that's not what it's about. It's about being able to share your story, and to be able to say "yes, I grew up in that kind of environment, and thankfully I got out of it."

It's nothing to brag about. Being from "the hood" doesn't give you any credibility, or respect, but the plain fact that you were able to live that life, and still be here today, in a better place, I think that's what does.

I will always have a special place in my heart for my home, because you can always change where you live, but you can't change where you came from. When people ask me where I'm from, I say Hayward, not because I'm ashamed of Manteca, not because I want the "street cred", but because that is where I was born and raised. In going back home I learned something, things aren't always what they seem, whether it's your dreams, where you are, where you were, or where you want to be, be sure that it's what you want. I know what I want now, and I've wanted it all along…

I love my home, but I don't plan on going "home" anytime soon…

no. 011 [my mature decision...]

"New Slang" by The Shins

These past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy. I don't know how to explain it, but I'll try my best. From feeling alone, to being annoyed by pretty much everyone, I've been on an emotional roller coaster.

I think being out for just you is boring. You know, looking out for number one? Only doing things that benefit you. I'm not good at not caring about anyone else. I guess that's my problem. Realistically I care so much about what other's think and how they feel that I try my hardest not to hurt their feelings. However, in doing so I just end up hurting myself, and then later everyone else I tried so hard not to.

For the past couple of weeks I've taken some time for myself. I apologize to everyone that I've "flaked" on...but at the same time I'm not. Sorry, it is what it is.

I guess it goes back to the whole thing about being truthful. The truth hurts, but it's the best policy. Whether it's telling someone how ridiculous they are acting, telling your best friend something that you really didn't want to, telling your family (parents included) that they do more harm than good, taking a chance by telling someone how you really feel, avoiding anyone and everyone to have some alone time, or just admitting that you're scared. The truth can hurt a lot, but it's better in the end.

I guess sometimes we have to take the realistic route. By playing it safe I'll be able to realize my dreams, in a semester or two. As much as it pains me to stay, I'm refocused on what I HAVE to do in life, as well as what I WANT to do in life. And I'll have more time to do so.