Table Of Contents

Friday, October 26, 2007

no. 019 [my deja vu...]

"Good Life" by Francis Dunnery

Yesterday started off like any other day. However, right off the bat it seemed like I had been here before. I couldn't understand it, but it seemed as if I was reliving certain events and feelings. It started off with some little things, like how I woke up before my alarm went off, or how the uploads I left running over night failed again, or how Mike was standing by the front door waiting for me to take him to school. I just brushed those all off as a coincidence. But it was a familiar voice in a phone call asking for a ride to the airport that had set the entire day into what I like to call "reverse motion." It's funny how someone that was so close to you can just disappear from your life for a few months, then just reappear out of nowhere. I could have been a dick and told her no, but I decided to be nice, and since my last class of the day was canceled (again, weird) I had some time on my hands. It was such a repeat of an older blog of mine ([my trip to the airport...]), an event that I was almost reliving entirely. From a repeat morning, to two exact same car accidents five seconds apart from each other, to a music test, to my seat under the stairs, back to an airport, I felt as if all of this had happened before. I knew that she would be back in about a week, just like last time, but this time I wasn't going to hold my breath. It felt like I was being given a second chance to make it work out, and I didn't take it this time. The beginning was the same, but the ending was different.
"Aren't you going to tell me to let you know when I've decided what I want again?"

When given a second chance one should say yes to what they didn't before, right? That would be what's expected when given a second chance, right? This time I just couldn't do it. This time I realized that I had no feelings for her, whatsoever.

"No...not this time. I'm sorry..."

I think second chances aren't so much for the person to say yes this time,
or to do things differently. I think second chances are meant for us to do what we know is right this time. This time I made the choice that was best for me. And this time I wasn't going to wonder "what if", or wait until she comes back, and this time I didn't watch the plane take off. I just drove home, to end what seemed to be just another day...again.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

no. 018 [coping (everything’ll be alright)...]

"Everything'll Be Alright (Will's Lullaby) (iTunes Live Session Version)" by Joshua Radin

I woke up today, knowing very well what today meant. No matter how much I didn't want to deal with it, it seemed like every little thing came back to her. It could be life lessons that she taught us, hearing her laugh, or someone smiling.

It's hard to believe that it's been two whole months. It sometimes seems like time is just flying by. Slowly I find myself crying less and less. It still hurts inside, but like someone said, "the pain won't go away, you'll just get used to it." I'm slowly starting to understand what she meant by that. As I'm sure others are too.

More now than ever I've paid closer attention to those around me. I've been observing what others have done to try to cope with this loss.

People have different ways of dealing with heartache. To add onto a Scrubs quote, some do something life affirming, some resort to childish mischief, some do something impulsive, some drink away their sorrows, some lash out at everyone around them, some try to keep as busy as possible, some pretend that everything is fine, some can't pretend that everything is fine, some try to move on, and others wish they could, but almost all will remember her life lessons, and take them to heart. For me, I guess it would be a little bit of everything, but a lot of the last one.

I think the hardest thing for anyone to go through is losing a loved one, because unfortunately, as human beings, we don't know how important something, or someone is until we lose it. That, in my opinion, is the great flaw of mankind.

I think in coping with death we will all go through similar stages: hurt, denial, anger, sadness, regret, and hopefully, eventually, happiness, and thankfulness.

"When it's time for something to happen you just gotta let it happen."

"And sometimes it takes a little while to realize that."

I didn't want to deal with it today, but had to. Slowly I'm learning what works best for me to try and move on. I have found some outlets to help me cope, the best of course being writing. The more that we avoid it, the more it'll hurt later.

These past two months have given me a lot of time to heal, reflect, remember, laugh, cry, and think. At first I wasn't sure if everything would be alright again. After a while we'll all go through it. From not knowing, to hoping, to thinking, to believing, to eventually knowing that everything will be alright.

I've had glimpses of the feeling of knowing everything will be alright, and it's a good feeling. I think what helps me more is to think that I'll see her again, that this is not the end. Like I saw on someone's page, it feels as if she's gone on a long vacation, and eventually we'll see her again. And eventually we will meet again. And with that in mind, it's a lot easier to know that everything will be alright.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

no. 017 [death ends lives, not relationships (my best paper)...]

"A Bad Dream" by Keane

PREFACE: I read this today, and thought that it was very appropriate to start this one off...enjoy. -Ant

"Dumb Star/Smart Moon"
today may be the end of the world. i tell myself that from time to time. it may sound psychotic but it can be helpful. an important thing to remind yourself is that while the earth may not explode into a million pieces today… you might not be around tommorow to see if it does. take in the air and breathe deep. take chances. give love and allow yourself to recieve it.

this is just a blurry focus.

seemingly lost, something is found.

all by your lonesome

you are alive.

-colin (of Circa Survive)


I don't post these to make anyone sad, or to keep bringing back any "bad memories". You have to understand that this is my way of coping with a tough situation, and hopefully those that read it can take something from this to help them cope as well. Thank you.

My very first paper at California State University Stanislaus
(written as a Reaction Paper to the film "Tuesdays With Morrie" for my Human Development: Adulthood & Aging Class, September 2007)

"Death Ends Lives, Not Relationships"
aka "my best paper"

(you may have to click on the pictures to read them)