Table Of Contents

Friday, November 30, 2007

no. 023 [my head vs. my heart...]

"Over My Head (Cable Car)" by The Fray

I hate it when your feelings get the best of you. My feelings have the worst possible timing. What I hate even more is when I'm the last to know. Everyone already knew?!? It's so cliché, but it happens.More now than ever my feelings for her are growing. It's so ridiculous because my head is saying, "it won't work out", while my heart is saying "go for it!" Why must they fight so much?

I think there is more to it than I really know. But I can't be sure. All I know is that I have no idea what to do. At least I know I'm not the only one.
When our head fights our heart we tend to ignore them, and let them go at it. The only thing that does is cause more internal harm. It's such a weird phenomena, because we can't really choose who we have feelings for. Sometimes we think we do, or we don't, then we get slapped in the face and realize that we now have no control over how we feel, when sometimes we'd rather not feel that way. It's such a double-edged sword.

Now it's a fight between the idea of letting her know, or just keeping it inside. Which will do the least amount of damage? I just don't want to regret my decision later...

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

no. 022 [my thirsty fish...]

"There Is" by Box Car Racer

It's never fun when life throws you a curve-ball, deals you a huge blow, gives you lemons, whatever metaphor you like best. It can change so much. It can change the way you act, the way you think, your view of someone, your view of yourself, it can change so much.

I try to take every bump in the road, curve-ball, lemon, what have you, as a chance to learn something. More times than not you learn something about yourself.

I honestly think that feeling alone is a universal feeling. At any given time there is someone, somewhere who feels lonely. Sometimes it's not that bad, other times it can eat at you inside, and unfortunately for some it could become life threatening. I can honestly say that I know that we've all felt alone. The degree to how alone we've felt will vary, but everyone has felt alone.
It's almost ironic. Just think about it. Loneliness is the greatest universal feeling; so many people, feeling alone, at the same time. It's like a thirsty fish.
You never want to hear that someone you care about feels alone. That's hard news to deal with. It's even harder when the news makes you think about yourself.
I think it's easier if we all think about it in rational terms. No matter how we feel, there will always be someone else, somewhere, that feels the exact same way. Whether it be happy, sad, angry, confused, scared, nervous, even lonely. It could seem as if no one feels what you feel, but in reality, that someone who knows what you are going through could be closer than you think.

Sometimes its that bump in the road that makes you examine yourself in a whole new light.
I think if we speak up we'll realize that we're not alone. Talking about it may seem scary, but in reality I think it's a tremendous help. If we don't speak up people won't know how we feel. (And there, I did it again without thinking about it. I took one idea, and connected it to a bunch of others.) Whether it's expressing your love for someone, telling someone your opinion, letting someone know that you're scared, or expressing that you feel lonely.The idea of the thirsty fish, to me, is that we all have our problems, but the solution is out there. Sometimes, in the case of the fish, it's closer than you think. But if you open your eyes, and look hard enough, you might just find it.

Monday, November 26, 2007

no. 021 [my little nephew...]

"Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas

Life is an amazing thing. There are so many possibilities, so many outcomes, so much to do in such little time. Now more than ever I've been able to realize how important and precious life can truly be. It's still incredible to think about how fast our lives are going by. It feels like time is just flying by. Things are changing so fast that sometimes it's hard to keep up. However, there is always that little glimpse of light that one sees very rarely, that assures you that everything will be okay.I was able to hold my newborn nephew, Omar, for the very first time a few weeks ago. It may sound corny, but it was truly truly amazing. I think about everything that i have left to do, and how Omar's journey has just begun. It's so mind-boggling to think about or even try to comprehend the idea of a brand new person, just being brought into this world. Looking at him I couldn't help but realize that Allie was right in what she said at Josh's house that one night, "every life is precious."

I like to think that everything happens for a reason. Even though we may not know the reason at the moment, I still have a feeling that everything will make sense to us someday.

For me personally it's very refreshing. Within the past three months I've experienced the end of one life, and the beginning of another, but the beginning of two brand new journeys.

It is truly the little things in life that make it all worthwhile, because those little things will end up being a huge part of our lives, forever.

It's the idea of a fresh start, a new beginning; it's not
necessarily the end of something great, but the beginning of something greater. Whether it's going away, starting your new life, or becoming a parent, these new journeys will all lead into greater things. If we can hang onto the memories, the love, and the little things that got us to where we are today, then everything will be for the best. We just need to keep them in our hearts, alive, forever.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

no. 020 [my 5 things (a paper on stress)...]

"Bend And Break" by Keane

I've spent the last few days thinking about stress, what stresses me out, and how I deal, or sometimes not deal with those issues. At this point in my life I'm confused out of my mind. Sometimes I'm confused about being confused, but I look at it as a part of growing up. To ask me to write a paper about five things that stress me out right now is somewhat of a difficult task. First to limit it to five sources of stress is bad enough, second to go into detail about each, and third to discuss what I'm doing to cope with each. Right now in my life I feel as if I'm my own worst enemy. I over think everything, I am constantly double checking myself, and I am questioning things that really shouldn't be questioned. Dealing with the recent death of a cousin, coping with a good friend moving 3,000 miles away, worrying about money, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, or worrying about a close friend who I would have never guessed would be in the position that he is, mainly because he's going through the same things I am.
I think those are my biggest stressors. Sometimes I try to cope with them, and sometimes it feels better to just let some of them be. I've come to terms with the death of my cousin, even though sometimes, well, most of the time it feels as if she's on a long vacation, and I'll see her again someday. Sometimes writing, listening to music, or even crying is a good way to cope with the pain of missing her. As for my good friend leaving, I'm trying to spend as much time with her as I possibly can. My best friend keeps telling me that everything will be all right, and I really hope he's right. The most difficult part about letting her go is debating whether or not this choice is right for her. That's one of those issues that I'd rather ignore.

The money and school/future ones kind of go hand in hand. The way I cope with it is to just go with the flow. I don't want a career that I'll make tons of money at if I'm going to be unhappy. Unfortunately my parents and grandparents aren't too happy with my choice to work in radio, but as long as it makes me happy I should be fine. It just stresses me out right now because they aren't happy, but I just have to keep telling myself that it isn't their life.

The biggest stressor than anything is the fact that a good friend of mine has been diagnosed with an illness that I could very well be diagnosed with also. He's going through almost exactly the same things I'm going through, and that scares me to death. The way I'm dealing with that is to mainly ignore it, and to take it one day at a time. In my belief I don't think his illness is as quoted, a "disease". I'll just try to keep my head above water, and if I ever get that bad, then I'll seek help. But until then I think I'm just fine.

I think with each one of those stressors I cope with them differently, depending on how I feel. Sometimes it's too difficult to try to deal with them all at the same time, but I try to remember one thing that helps me get through, "nothing in life worth having is easy". And that helps me out with each one of those stressors. Whether it's looking for meaning, looking for an answer, looking for a solution, looking for happiness, or looking for a way out, I gotta deal with all of this "crap" first. And I know I'll be a better person after all is said and done. At the very least I'll learn something about life, others, and myself.

Stress can be a very dangerous thing if not dealt with. It can drive you crazy, or worse, make you sick. But stress can also be used to our advantage. Stress helps you improve with things, and it keeps you from fighting yourself. It lets us know that we have to make certain changes. And in that aspect I guess sometimes stress is a good thing.


(yeah i went back to the original ending)