Table Of Contents

Saturday, December 5, 2009

no. 034 [my 500th day: looking back...]

"Hero" by Regina Spektor

I know what you're thinking, "where the hell have you been?!?" Well, it's been a weird couple of months, but I will do my best to explain. But we'll have to do it step by step.

I wrote this blog a while back, and deleted it the following day. I look back on it and really try to comprehend what I was thinking, and how I feel about it now. When you read it please do so with a grain of salt, as all my blogs are a snapshot of how I was feeling when I wrote it. I am not posting this as a measure of revenge, or anything of that nature. I am re-posting this from a writer’s standpoint. My life is an open book, and I tore these pages out before any of you could read it, and it’s not fair to you. So I put these pages back, not to be spiteful, but to be able to look back and realize where I have come from, what I have accomplished, and what I have learned. Because as horrible as this writing may seem, it has led me to where I am now. And judging by the looks of things, it’s not a pretty bad place to be.

Please read this with an open mind. No bad comments please, and read the whole thing before you post anything. Thanks.

Having to tell yourself “I told you so” is an awkward feeling.
It evokes so many emotions inside of you. It evokes feelings of disappointment, anger, sadness, guilt, and hurt. The cycle once again has taken its toll on me, and it’s no one’s fault but my own. The warning signs were there, but I was going too fast to read them. Warnings, hateful, spiteful, or not, were passed off as jealous triads only to have them come back around as useful information that I should have taken into account.

I’m finally fighting off the fleeting flights of fancy, the fantasy world I was living in. The one that took everything we had gone through and made our “relationship” worth it. But a true relationship can’t work with only one person. And unfortunately for me, that wonderful world of whimsy had a total population of one.
Relationships only work if one of the people involved is willing to fight for it, and the other is willing to help...but I’ve become so tired, so worn down, so torn that I have lost the will to fight; especially after this last shot to the gut. I thought that this time it was going to be different, but surprise, surprise…here comes the letdown, right on cue. And once again, she's not in my corner...

Someone wise once told me “Maybe you just need your heart broken.” And that’s exactly what it was. If you keep pushing someone away, eventually you’ll push them so far that they won’t come back. I’ve been pushed so many times that this was it. This time I wasn’t coming back.
So now I pack my bags, with the intention of making the population here on the fleeting flights of fancy drop to zero, and let her take her turn at it. I bet my hand, double or nothing, and the outcome is quite clear, even to a blind man. I bust at 42, when I shot for 21. Confucius said, “to go beyond is as wrong as to fall short.” But on the other hand…at least I tried.

One of my best friends said, “You see, that’s why I don’t do that,” referring to the risk I took. “That's why I don’t do relationships.” “But you have to take that risk, you have to try, or else you’ve already failed.
That’s all I could say in response. I guess it goes back to that diving board analogy. You have to jump in to know what the waters like. So I come out soaking wet, disappointed, but not looking back. I took my chances; I had to. If you don’t, you end up some old lonely person with a million cats, or worse, dating someone over the internet that’s twice your age. That’s not something I’m interested in, nor is that the kind of person I want to become, or be with for that matter.With the population down to zero in that fantasy world, I leave with another lesson learned. But this time I will not shed a tear for her; I won’t feel a damn thing. The biggest regret I have, other than all the time and energy I’ve wasted on her, is the fact that by trying my hand at love with her once again, I passed up on an opportunity to something that could have been great; but I trusted too much on the idea that this time it would work.

Maybe I was led on; maybe I wanted to be led on. Maybe it was the idea that it would work, that we could work; that the cycle would finally pass. But one thing is for sure; I’m going to try my hardest to not allow myself to have those ideas ever again. All the block and delete buttons in the world may not stop her from coming back into my life, but I’ll be damned if I don’t have the will and the strength to keep her from coming back into my heart.

This time I break the cycle before it breaks me, pack my stuff up and move on. All the “I told you so's” won’t make a difference on this one, because I saw it coming, but chose to ignore it. I feel no regret, no emotion, nothing, because of the simple fact that deep down inside I knew…I knew that it wasn’t going to work. Is it sad to say that after everything we’ve been through, this secretive love, the ups and downs, and the long nights on the phone; after all the good times and the bad, that I’m not surprised? I think deep down inside I’m hurting, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel a thing. I guess that’s part of moving on.

And you’d do well to stay away from her. All she does is talk about how you're pathetic and desperate, while she texts at least three other guys.” Advice I should have taken. Lust can sometimes override trust; yet she’s so used to not having anything real, that she doesn’t know how to act, she doesn’t know how to feel. Lies are for the liars, and I don’t need a hypocrite. She’s more comfortable in that fantasy-land, but I’m not.

Confucius said, “A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep.” But like I had said to someone earlier, “She is still that insecure little girl desperate for approval of these boys she meets online, toying with their emotions for her own personal gain.
She will always be that insecure little girl, until she decides to break that cycle. I’m not letting her drag me down with her, not this time. I’m not going to be one of those boys; I’m not going to let her play with my emotions, and she will never get that approval from me ever again.And so that corner I spent the last few years of my life in is empty, because I have lost the will to fight, I have lost the motivation, and I have lost...just about everything. How can you fight for someone who doesn't even see the hell you are going through, what you are sacrificing for them...but better yet how can you fight for someone who won't appreciate it...and who doesn't even seem to be on your side. So I throw in the towel regrettably, not because I feel as if I'm giving up on her, but because I hate to quit. Besides, it's apparent that she had given up on me a long time ago...

At least now when a survey asks me if there is anyone I cannot live without, I can honestly answer it differently, or at least think of someone else when I do so. Such is life, fucked up and overwhelming…but only if you let it.
The funny thing is that the day after I posted this blog I took it down, and got back together with her; a decision that I will partially regret. Because the fact of the matter is, while I contradicted myself, while I said “never again” and it happened, again, so much good has come from so much bad. It’s a lesson learned, and well noted. Like I said before, I’m not posting this as a measure of revenge, or anything like that, I re-posted this to build a bridge, to write something meaningful that will lead my “readers” to the end of this “era” if you will.

I post this on my 500th day (Jo will get it). Today I move on, because someone gave me the strength to. In the next few months I will post a lot of writings that I did during that “depression period,” at least that’s what I’m calling it. While what was written may seem hateful, it has a new perspective, a new definition. I looked back at all my blogs and realized that not all of them stood the test of time. Most I don’t really care for, believe in, or even have the slightest idea what I was writing about. They are meant to be a snapshot of what I was thinking, feeling, and meant to express. I won’t delete any of them, because that’s a promise I made to myself. So by re-posting this I don’t mean any harm or hate. We are on civil terms, and we have both moved on. So take my writing with a grain of salt, and don’t post anything hateful, that’s not the point of this blog. Hopefully you learn something from my mistakes, if not I hope that it at least makes you think as you go on this journey we so dubiously call life.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

no. 033 [my own words, the knife...]

"Losing Sleep (Acoustic)" by Charlotte Sometimes

I woke up this morning thinking one thing, “boy, did last night suck.” I had called it a few days before, how I could be riding so high, just to be cut down and hit rock bottom in a matter of a single sentence. What’s worse is, they were my own words that helped cut me down. The one with the sharpest tongue slits their own throat, right? The exact moment that line was delivered I couldn’t believe that I had actually said it, and there it was, in black and white, in my sent box, word for word. I hate how a single sentence could mean something different to another person…or worse, how it can mean something different to a third person.

Reading it over and over, I didn’t know what I meant by it. My head was saying it didn’t mean that much, but my heart was saying it meant something much more. Again, the two would argue in a fight that no one would win, but that my stomach would feel. I don’t know if it was the gut-wrenching blow from what was thrown back at me, or the insanely large can of Monster Energy Drink that I had downed in less than two minutes, but my stomach was definitely in a pain that I hadn’t felt in quite some time.
I laid in bed last night, not being able to go to sleep, thinking about a lot. But the one thing that kept resurfacing was the idea, the thought that I knew eventually it would lead to this. I guess it was just an issue of when it would actually happen. But even though I knew somehow that this was coming, there was no way I could prepare for it. The various text messages and failed call attempts would not put out the fire that was igniting that bridge.

The more I thought about it the more confused I became. What did I mean with those six words. What message did I intend to convey. Should there have been a “but” at the end of it? Was it not implied? Or did I subconsciously not want to imply that? Did I actually, and truly mean what I said, despite everything that has happened? I’m not even sure I know the answers to those questions. But one thing is for sure; you have to find what works for you.

Bottom line, I couldn’t keep losing sleep over this, as harsh as that sounds. But I know I wasn’t the only one. The human mind is tricky, but the heart is worse. You can’t help what the heart wants, but can you really try by tricking your mind out of it? I think it’s what we keep telling ourselves that ultimately helps us get to sleep. We can’t fight all of our demons all at once, so we trick ourselves into believing that it’s not that bad. You can tell yourself that it’s not that bad and that you’ll be okay, trick yourself into believing that you can manage all of this work and get it all done before it’s due, you can lie to yourself and push someone away because you don’t want to get hurt in the end, you can call them out, or you can sit up, staring at the ceiling, contemplating what you really meant, and knowing that you will eventually have to make one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever made.

When it all comes down to it, it’s whatever helps you sleep at night. But remember, when you awake the next day you’re still you, it’s no magical fix, unfortunately that was no dream, and your problems will still be there in the morning. But hopefully you’re rested enough to deal with them. As for me, I’m up early because I couldn’t sleep. The pain in my stomach would not allow it. So now I wait, staring at the ceiling, wondering, "what the hell am I going to do now?…"

Sunday, February 15, 2009

no. 032 [candy hearts...]

"Candy Hearts" by Tofer Brown

Valentine’s Day is such a cliché’ day. I heard earlier today that it’s just another chance for a guy to totally fuck up. As noted in my very first one of these, I’m not a big fan of today, however, as today comes to an end I can honestly look back and say that it wasn’t so bad.

It’s a given that being single today kinda sucks, but oh well. I’ve survived so far, so I think I can make it another hour and a half to finish it off.

I found an old writing about Valentine’s Day that I did not post, for various reasons, which I had written exactly one year ago today. It was pretty harsh, and insanely irrelevant to how I’m feeling now, and could be misconstrued and have certain parts substituted with something, or someone else. Hence why I am refusing to post it right now, and am currently rewriting this blog so that it has some relevance, and a point that’s a little more cheery than “I don’t think I ever liked her”. Haha, that was last year’s message. Nice huh?

It’s funny how much a year has made me re-think this “holiday”. I still have a stigma about it due to what has happened in the past, but I know I’ll move on eventually. I’m making progress. Hey, spending it with some good friends sure beats the hell out sitting alone complaining about it; or forcing yourself to act a certain way for someone you don’t even really care about; or being heartbroken, because you know exactly what today should have been (sorry buddy).

So what, I didn’t have a quote, “Valentine” for today. I still had fun. I made dinner for some friends, laughed about how we have a stuffed dog in my loft, yeah, watched Scrubs almost immediately after having a discussion about Rowdy, and just plain having fun. I took it as just another day. I think that’s the best advice I can give all of you who are taking the alternative and celebrating S.A.D. (Single Awareness Day) instead of the traditional Valentine’s Day (and no, I didn’t just make up that S.A.D. thing).

While we're on the whole “sad” note, I still think it’s a little sad that we chose to celebrate love one day a year. Do I think Valentine’s Day is still a Hallmark Holiday? Eh, to a certain degree I guess I still do, but I do think it’s nice to have. Sometimes cliché’ is a good thing…I think.

I think the point I’m trying to make is that things could be a lot worse, and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Given that today started off really crappy, I was still able to make the day ok as a whole. I guess today’s lesson for me is “it’s better to be alone, than trying to make the wrong girl right.” Sucks, I know, but I’m ok with it…I think.

So yet another Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and this time it didn’t leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Actually, I think I may still be tasting those heart-shaped rice crispy treats my mom made, haha! But I digress, it could have been a lot worse. Even though it didn’t go the way I would have liked it to, it was still fun. And it sure beats the hell out of staying at home alone.

Monday, February 2, 2009

no. 031 [my brand new day...]

"Brand New Day" by Joshua Radin

It’s been a tough year. Although I’ve kept to myself for most of it, I feel as if I’ve grown a lot. I’ve had a lot to think about over the past 366 days, haha. I know it’s been a while. I had this whole thing planned out. I knew exactly what I wanted to write about, and when I wanted to post it; I had a time-line for everything. I had gone through this strenuous planning, writing down, picking the songs, picking the morals, pretty much pre-writing the entire 3rd collection of my blogs, just to end up throwing them out at the last second. If you know me well enough, you know I’m no good at planning anything out. I read them, and I just didn’t like them. They became too static. I think I let them sit around for too long. Most of them had a good message, but they were too much like my older posts, vague.

If I learned anything from reading my older posts, it’s that I was way too vague when it came to what I was really talking about. There are a few people that could pick certain things out, and knew exactly what I was talking about, but the rest were left to use their imagination, or to put themselves in a situation that they had experienced. I don’t know, I liked that idea, but it just seemed so rehashed to the point that I wanted crumble up all the sheets of paper that I had written these down on and possibly miss each shot as I tossed them to the trash can in my loft. They seemed a little more “Grey’s Anatomy” for my taste (God, I hate that show).

As much as I’m going to try to switch up my style, and make my writings a bit more personal, the more I know they’re just going to end up sounding like the end of an episode of Scrubs (I love that show).

But I digress; with a year of experience under my belt you’d think I’d have a lot to write about, right? Wrong. I have absolutely no idea what I’m getting myself into with this next series, but I don’t care. I like this change of pace. It’s exciting. After all the crap that I’ve been through this past year, it’s just nice to have my outlet back. So with this new series I want to take it day by day. It’s a brand new day, each one with a different story to tell. So I’ll make my past my past, even though I may end up writing about it sooner or later (shameless plug: look out for the lost blogs, coming soon, haha!), but we’ll see how this little experiment goes.

While I know I must keep what has happened in the back of my mind, I also must try my hardest to move forward. I think I’ve been doing a good job of that for the most part. I think it’s been hard for a lot of us. Some of us have gotten married, had a child, moved out, moved on, are preparing to start a new part of your life, or are just getting ready to finish up that new part of our life; a lot of us have been moving forward. I guess the best advice for any of us is to take it one day at a time. Each day is a new beginning, a new journey, and a new story. For me, today marks the beginning of a whole new series of stories that are yet to be discovered, and are yet to be told. And even though I don’t have a time-line, I have no idea what I’m going to write about, or even if I’m going to have something to write about, it doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t bother me because I plan on taking it one day at a time. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I have to keep telling myself that. It sure makes it a hell of a lot easier to take life one day at a time…