Tuesday, May 5, 2009
no. 033 [my own words, the knife...]
"Losing Sleep (Acoustic)" by Charlotte Sometimes
I woke up this morning thinking one thing, “boy, did last night suck.” I had called it a few days before, how I could be riding so high, just to be cut down and hit rock bottom in a matter of a single sentence. What’s worse is, they were my own words that helped cut me down. The one with the sharpest tongue slits their own throat, right? The exact moment that line was delivered I couldn’t believe that I had actually said it, and there it was, in black and white, in my sent box, word for word. I hate how a single sentence could mean something different to another person…or worse, how it can mean something different to a third person.
Reading it over and over, I didn’t know what I meant by it. My head was saying it didn’t mean that much, but my heart was saying it meant something much more. Again, the two would argue in a fight that no one would win, but that my stomach would feel. I don’t know if it was the gut-wrenching blow from what was thrown back at me, or the insanely large can of Monster Energy Drink that I had downed in less than two minutes, but my stomach was definitely in a pain that I hadn’t felt in quite some time.I laid in bed last night, not being able to go to sleep, thinking about a lot. But the one thing that kept resurfacing was the idea, the thought that I knew eventually it would lead to this. I guess it was just an issue of when it would actually happen. But even though I knew somehow that this was coming, there was no way I could prepare for it. The various text messages and failed call attempts would not put out the fire that was igniting that bridge.
The more I thought about it the more confused I became. What did I mean with those six words. What message did I intend to convey. Should there have been a “but” at the end of it? Was it not implied? Or did I subconsciously not want to imply that? Did I actually, and truly mean what I said, despite everything that has happened? I’m not even sure I know the answers to those questions. But one thing is for sure; you have to find what works for you.
Bottom line, I couldn’t keep losing sleep over this, as harsh as that sounds. But I know I wasn’t the only one. The human mind is tricky, but the heart is worse. You can’t help what the heart wants, but can you really try by tricking your mind out of it? I think it’s what we keep telling ourselves that ultimately helps us get to sleep. We can’t fight all of our demons all at once, so we trick ourselves into believing that it’s not that bad. You can tell yourself that it’s not that bad and that you’ll be okay, trick yourself into believing that you can manage all of this work and get it all done before it’s due, you can lie to yourself and push someone away because you don’t want to get hurt in the end, you can call them out, or you can sit up, staring at the ceiling, contemplating what you really meant, and knowing that you will eventually have to make one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever made.
When it all comes down to it, it’s whatever helps you sleep at night. But remember, when you awake the next day you’re still you, it’s no magical fix, unfortunately that was no dream, and your problems will still be there in the morning. But hopefully you’re rested enough to deal with them. As for me, I’m up early because I couldn’t sleep. The pain in my stomach would not allow it. So now I wait, staring at the ceiling, wondering, "what the hell am I going to do now?…"