Saturday, December 5, 2009
no. 034 [my 500th day: looking back...]
"Hero" by Regina Spektor
I know what you're thinking, "where the hell have you been?!?" Well, it's been a weird couple of months, but I will do my best to explain. But we'll have to do it step by step.
I wrote this blog a while back, and deleted it the following day. I look back on it and really try to comprehend what I was thinking, and how I feel about it now. When you read it please do so with a grain of salt, as all my blogs are a snapshot of how I was feeling when I wrote it. I am not posting this as a measure of revenge, or anything of that nature. I am re-posting this from a writer’s standpoint. My life is an open book, and I tore these pages out before any of you could read it, and it’s not fair to you. So I put these pages back, not to be spiteful, but to be able to look back and realize where I have come from, what I have accomplished, and what I have learned. Because as horrible as this writing may seem, it has led me to where I am now. And judging by the looks of things, it’s not a pretty bad place to be.
Please read this with an open mind. No bad comments please, and read the whole thing before you post anything. Thanks.
Having to tell yourself “I told you so” is an awkward feeling. It evokes so many emotions inside of you. It evokes feelings of disappointment, anger, sadness, guilt, and hurt. The cycle once again has taken its toll on me, and it’s no one’s fault but my own. The warning signs were there, but I was going too fast to read them. Warnings, hateful, spiteful, or not, were passed off as jealous triads only to have them come back around as useful information that I should have taken into account.
I’m finally fighting off the fleeting flights of fancy, the fantasy world I was living in. The one that took everything we had gone through and made our “relationship” worth it. But a true relationship can’t work with only one person. And unfortunately for me, that wonderful world of whimsy had a total population of one.Relationships only work if one of the people involved is willing to fight for it, and the other is willing to help...but I’ve become so tired, so worn down, so torn that I have lost the will to fight; especially after this last shot to the gut. I thought that this time it was going to be different, but surprise, surprise…here comes the letdown, right on cue. And once again, she's not in my corner...
Someone wise once told me “Maybe you just need your heart broken.” And that’s exactly what it was. If you keep pushing someone away, eventually you’ll push them so far that they won’t come back. I’ve been pushed so many times that this was it. This time I wasn’t coming back.So now I pack my bags, with the intention of making the population here on the fleeting flights of fancy drop to zero, and let her take her turn at it. I bet my hand, double or nothing, and the outcome is quite clear, even to a blind man. I bust at 42, when I shot for 21. Confucius said, “to go beyond is as wrong as to fall short.” But on the other hand…at least I tried.
One of my best friends said, “You see, that’s why I don’t do that,” referring to the risk I took. “That's why I don’t do relationships.” “But you have to take that risk, you have to try, or else you’ve already failed.” That’s all I could say in response. I guess it goes back to that diving board analogy. You have to jump in to know what the waters like. So I come out soaking wet, disappointed, but not looking back. I took my chances; I had to. If you don’t, you end up some old lonely person with a million cats, or worse, dating someone over the internet that’s twice your age. That’s not something I’m interested in, nor is that the kind of person I want to become, or be with for that matter.With the population down to zero in that fantasy world, I leave with another lesson learned. But this time I will not shed a tear for her; I won’t feel a damn thing. The biggest regret I have, other than all the time and energy I’ve wasted on her, is the fact that by trying my hand at love with her once again, I passed up on an opportunity to something that could have been great; but I trusted too much on the idea that this time it would work.
Maybe I was led on; maybe I wanted to be led on. Maybe it was the idea that it would work, that we could work; that the cycle would finally pass. But one thing is for sure; I’m going to try my hardest to not allow myself to have those ideas ever again. All the block and delete buttons in the world may not stop her from coming back into my life, but I’ll be damned if I don’t have the will and the strength to keep her from coming back into my heart.
This time I break the cycle before it breaks me, pack my stuff up and move on. All the “I told you so's” won’t make a difference on this one, because I saw it coming, but chose to ignore it. I feel no regret, no emotion, nothing, because of the simple fact that deep down inside I knew…I knew that it wasn’t going to work. Is it sad to say that after everything we’ve been through, this secretive love, the ups and downs, and the long nights on the phone; after all the good times and the bad, that I’m not surprised? I think deep down inside I’m hurting, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel a thing. I guess that’s part of moving on.
“And you’d do well to stay away from her. All she does is talk about how you're pathetic and desperate, while she texts at least three other guys.” Advice I should have taken. Lust can sometimes override trust; yet she’s so used to not having anything real, that she doesn’t know how to act, she doesn’t know how to feel. Lies are for the liars, and I don’t need a hypocrite. She’s more comfortable in that fantasy-land, but I’m not.
Confucius said, “A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep.” But like I had said to someone earlier, “She is still that insecure little girl desperate for approval of these boys she meets online, toying with their emotions for her own personal gain. She will always be that insecure little girl, until she decides to break that cycle. I’m not letting her drag me down with her, not this time. I’m not going to be one of those boys; I’m not going to let her play with my emotions, and she will never get that approval from me ever again.”And so that corner I spent the last few years of my life in is empty, because I have lost the will to fight, I have lost the motivation, and I have lost...just about everything. How can you fight for someone who doesn't even see the hell you are going through, what you are sacrificing for them...but better yet how can you fight for someone who won't appreciate it...and who doesn't even seem to be on your side. So I throw in the towel regrettably, not because I feel as if I'm giving up on her, but because I hate to quit. Besides, it's apparent that she had given up on me a long time ago...
At least now when a survey asks me if there is anyone I cannot live without, I can honestly answer it differently, or at least think of someone else when I do so. Such is life, fucked up and overwhelming…but only if you let it.The funny thing is that the day after I posted this blog I took it down, and got back together with her; a decision that I will partially regret. Because the fact of the matter is, while I contradicted myself, while I said “never again” and it happened, again, so much good has come from so much bad. It’s a lesson learned, and well noted. Like I said before, I’m not posting this as a measure of revenge, or anything like that, I re-posted this to build a bridge, to write something meaningful that will lead my “readers” to the end of this “era” if you will.
I post this on my 500th day (Jo will get it). Today I move on, because someone gave me the strength to. In the next few months I will post a lot of writings that I did during that “depression period,” at least that’s what I’m calling it. While what was written may seem hateful, it has a new perspective, a new definition. I looked back at all my blogs and realized that not all of them stood the test of time. Most I don’t really care for, believe in, or even have the slightest idea what I was writing about. They are meant to be a snapshot of what I was thinking, feeling, and meant to express. I won’t delete any of them, because that’s a promise I made to myself. So by re-posting this I don’t mean any harm or hate. We are on civil terms, and we have both moved on. So take my writing with a grain of salt, and don’t post anything hateful, that’s not the point of this blog. Hopefully you learn something from my mistakes, if not I hope that it at least makes you think as you go on this journey we so dubiously call life.