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Thursday, February 18, 2010

no. 036 [what day is it today?]

"Rip The Universe" by Reverie Sound Revue

Today I leave with the aspirations of having these last few weeks and the issues that have come with them to hopefully resolve themselves, or at the very least become easier to deal with by the time I get back. I'm not sure what I'm in for, or what I may have to come back to. I'm not sure how I am feeling right now, in regards to relationships, feelings, health, etc.

What day is it today?
Feels like a Monday, yeah

It's gotten so confusing that sometimes I forget what day it is, where I am, where I'm going. Maybe I have never really known where I am going. But I hope that wherever that is that I won't be going there alone.
And things are awfully strange
When the streetlights are all on at noon

Another day is somehow lit by a full moon

What I hope to accomplish with this vacation is getting to the realization that I can't control things. Maybe it's true, about things happening for a reason. But why can't I just take my own advice? I just hate sitting on the sidelines, waiting to be called in to the game. I can't do that for much longer. Maybe right now neither of us are ready to try again, but what makes me think that I'm ready for something new...when I know that I'm not. Those ties are still there, and there is very much a strong knot in the middle. Hopefully she will realize that I'm the one...or maybe I'll realize that I'm not.

As curious as it seems
I still smile as I enjoy the scene

I hope by taking myself out of the picture that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. But I'd be lying if I said that I would just come back and take whatever life hands me without giving a fight for what I really want. But what do I really want? I think I already know the answer to that question, but you can't always get what you want...

What day is it today?
Feels much like Sunday, yeah yeah
And everyone is kinda lazy
When it's time to kiss the lady
But it's not the end and the beginning lately

I feel horrible that I have to choose. I hope that when I get back the choice will be made for me. But I'm not sure I'll be content with just letting the universe decide for me. I'm not that kind of person. I think I have to make this decision on my own. But do I go back, or move forward? Will moving forward be a step back, or will going back be a step forward? How can I really move on if I'm still in love with you?? Can you really be in a relationship if you are still in love with someone else?? Can I personally do that to another person? What is supposed to happen?!? There are so many questions lingering in my mind.

What is everyone gonna do
When everyone has to choose

I will take my mind off of the things that I leave behind, but know that I will have to return to them, and address them. I'm taking a break, I'm not running away. I know for sure that these things will linger in the back of my mind. This will be an interesting two weeks. I just hope that I realize not only what I want, but what I need. Hopefully by then these restrictions won't hold me back in my decisions. We will see where these next two weeks take me, but wherever that is I hope it's where I am meant to be, and I hope it's with the right person, if any at all...

Soon I'll rip the universe in two
One for me and one for you...

Sunday, February 14, 2010

no. 035 [just another day...]

"All Need Love" by Easily Amused

Today is one of those weird "I don't know how to feel" kind of days. If you look back to my very first blog it explains why it is that I really didn't used to like this "holiday." But now that time has passed, and that I have grown up a little I can honestly look at today in a different light.

Some argue that today is a poor excuse to tell someone how you really feel. Why is today any more important than any other day? Why must there be only one day a year for love? I used to be one of those people. The way I see it now is yes, Valentine's Day may be one of those Hallmark holidays where people feel pressured to buy their significant others gifts, flowers, chocolates, the whole cliche' 9 yards, but here's the thing, I refuse to let today get me down. Why should I live in my past and see what this holiday used to mean? Why get pulled into the whole feeling of being pressured?

The way I look at it if you are really, and truly in love with someone today is just another day. Given that you may buy a rose or two, but why should you tell that person how you feel more so today than any other day? The way I see it Valentine's Day is just a reminder for us to express ourselves.

The simple answer as to why we must do this is that we all need love. There is no way around it. Whether you are trying to see if a friendship will go beyond those boundaries, or if something new can lead down that road, or if you can rekindle what you once had, speak up; you have to, because if you don't someone else will. Then what? You sit on the pool chair wondering what could have happened if you had just jumped in, that's what.

Not to refurbish the old swimming pool analogy, but as a good friend told me, "Eventually you will have to jump in, otherwise you'll just be standing by the pool eventually getting sun-burnt and looking like a tard. Valentine's Day is meant as a reminder. You don't have to give in to those cheesy cliche's, or make your girl breakfast or take her out to dinner. It's meant to help push you into saying how you really feel. But if you can't then I guess not even Valentine's can help you. But maybe the thought of someone else telling that person how they feel will. So what if you jump in and get wet? Life is about taking chances to get what you want. The worst thing that can happen is that they don't feel the same way, but at least you're not stuck in a crush going nowhere. You're free. Free to move on, free to grow. But in order for that to happen you have to, HAVE TO try. You can't win if you don't try. And if you don't try I guarantee you that someone else will, or worse, that person will. So if you have something to say there is no better time to say it than now. Because you don't know what could happen tomorrow, and for all you know right now is your last chance to say how you really feel to that person. That's what Valentine's Day is all about, Charlie Brown."

So I will refuse to give in to the cliche', and so what if I don't technically have a "Valentine." I can go through today knowing that if I die tomorrow that special person in my life knows how I feel about her...even if the circumstances won't let "us" be.

Although I may be extremely confused as to where this road called life will lead me, I know that I took that chance, and I have to be content with it, because I tried. At least I don't have to be in that state of limbo wondering what if. As Buddha once said, "To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent." Therefore I will remain diligent, and hope for the best, but if the best appears I won't wait for it to come to me. It doesn't take bravery to show someone how you really feel, even if you fear the outcome. Those of you who read this should know whether or not I'm talking about you. Don't over-think it. If you have those feelings explore them, otherwise things will never get to the way that you'd like.