Table Of Contents

Thursday, March 11, 2010

no. 038 [my bump in the road...]

"Bump In The Road" by Erik Hassle

It's been a weird almost week back. It seems as if time goes by a lot faster in California. Yet in what has seemed to be so little time I have been able to accomplish so much. While others may argue that I haven't, I will argue that I have. Here is why:

It seems to me that a lot of people have taken an interest in where my life is taking me. Case in point formspring and all the anonymous questions and comments. I guess the purpose of this writing, as vague as it may turn out to be, is to clear the air a bit. Whether or not getting with this new person would have been an "upgrade" or not is debatable. For those who want my honest opinion I wouldn't argue for that statement, or "fact" as someone else called it. I would most definitely argue against it. But that is neither here nor there, because that in turn had no effect on the outcome.

The bottom line is that you can't rush into something when you don't feel it. I pushed my feelings aside so that I could get rid of this feeling of being alone. Luckily she did not ignore that feeling, that gut instinct that told her that rushing into this would be catastrophic, and she finished this before it even started. I won't sit here and say that I'm disappointed, because the truth is I'm not. A relationship with her would not have worked, because I am still in love with my ever so popular ex.

While this may be an unpopular thing for me to say I could honestly care less what any of you think, feel, or even have to say about the situation. Because the fact of the matter is that this does not concern any of you. I have been able to get to the point where I can say this feeling no remorse for any of you. So for all of you that have down talked her, degraded me, and even called me an idiot for sticking it out this far...fuck you. The truth is you don't even know the half of it, so don't act like you do.

As for the infamous "we're not friends" line I pulled, the honest truth is that we are not. I decided that. A person can't say that they aren't ready to be in a relationship then continue with the flirting and the text messages and the constant Facebook comments. That's not my style, and if it means having to be the asshole and walking away from them in order for the both of us to move on, so be it. She's a great girl, but for now that's all she'll ever be to me.

Never say never. As for those of you who think I'm down and out as a result of all of this you couldn't be more wrong. I am fine, honestly. If I seem out of it it may be due to something completely different, which I may or may not address at a later time. But for now moving on will consist of doing whats right for me, and not trying to polish a second place trophy so that it will shine like gold. Because while I may be able to fool everyone else into seeing gold, I will know the truth, and it will always be silver to me. I can't do that to myself, and I certainly can't do that to someone else. I can't pretend to be a champion for someone else when I'm just a runner up. So for now she'll just have to disregard the runner-up. And I will continue walk this yellow brick road alone.

I will just call this a bump in the road. Don't get it twisted, this isn't me turning back. I am still on that straight and narrow...for the time being. Never say never, right? But at that same token, I will keep my eyes open, because if there is something better out there that I am destined for I can't pass up on it due to a possibility that may never happen.

As Buddha once said, "To be idle is a short road to death." I can't continue to sit on the sidelines and wait, but by the same token I can't jump into a game that I am not prepared for. So to follow this analogy I guess I'll remain a free agent for the time being. But a new season starts soon, so we'll see where I end up.

For now I must keep my mind on the present. I will work on myself, and nothing more. So to everyone that has been worrying, don't. And to everyone that thinks I'm making a huge mistake, shove it. It's my life, and it is my decision to make. I will follow this road wherever it takes me, you don't have to follow along if you don't want to.

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." You will all most likely continue to believe what you want to believe, but I will know the truth. "Things that are done, it is needless to speak about...things that are past, it is needless to blame." It is what it it or not.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Peru Trip Soundtrack

01. "Rip The Universe" by Reverie Sound Revue
->"Opening Credits"/The Blog

02. "Two Is Better Than One" by Boys Like Girls (Feat. Taylor Swift)
->The Radio On The Way To The Airport

03. "Heartbreak Warfare" by John Mayer
->Another One For The Radio

04. "Passes & Passports" by Reverie Sound Revue
->At SFO

05. "Countdown (Sick For The Big Sun)" by Phoenix
->Leaving SFO/On The Plane/It Begins...

06. "Starstrukk" by 3OH!3
->Blasting Over The Plane's P.A. In El Salvador (LOL!)

07. "El Salvador" by Athlete
->In El Salvador (Duh!)

08. "Rome" by Phoenix
->From El Salvador To Peru

09. "Good Morning (The Future)" by Rogue Wave
->Arriving In Peru

10. "One Of These Things First" by Nick Drake
->On The Way To Tia Tula's House

11. "Kiss The Sky" by Shawn Lee's Ping Pong Orchestra (Feat. Nino Moschella)
->The Market In Callao

12. "Cousins" by Vampire Weekend

13. "Question" by Old 97's
->The Wedding

14. "Bassment Party" by The Cool Kids
->The Party!

15. "Yellow Taxi" by Matt Costa
->Awesome Taxi Ride

16. "Tidal Wave" by Owl City
->Circuito Magico del Aqua (Water-esk Park) w/Suzett

17. "Sleepyhead" by Passion Pit
->Suzett's Song

18. "Fly Away" by Lenny Kravitz
->Taxi Cab Radio

19. "Without A Love Story (Taylor Swift vs. U2)" by Stereogum & Team9
->U2 On The Radio/Thinking...

20. "Sweet Disposition" by The Temper Trap
->The Center Of Callao

21. "This Could Take Forever" by Kiddo
->Back To School Shopping For Briana

22. "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings
->Suzett Calling Me "Anthony"

23. "Diner" by Martin Sexton
->The Sandwich Shop Around The Corner

24. "Mykonos" by Fleet Foxes
->The Museum Of Real Phelipe

25. "Forever Young" by Youth Group
->The Mass For My Little Cousin

26. "Lo Que Paso, Paso" by Daddy Yankee
->Really Bad Karaoke

27. "Kingdom Of The Animals" by Iron & Wine
->La Parque De Las Leyendas (Zoo)

28. "Paper Planes (Diplo Street Remix)" by M.I.A. (Feat. Bun B & Rich Boy)
->Fancy Dinner w/Millionaire Aunt

29. "Swim" by Surfer Blood
->La Costa Verde En Chorillos

30. "Surprise Hotel" by Fool's Gold
->The Show/Suzett's Last Night In Peru

31. "Love Like A Sunset Part II" by Phoenix
->Suzett Leaves/The Letter/Interlude...

32. "The A.M." by Reverie Sound Revue
->Up Early/My Last Sunday In Peru

33. "Lovers' Carvings" by Bibio
->Backyard Dinner Party At My Aunt's

34. "Lullaby" by The Spill Canvas
->Thinking About You Know Who...

35. "Losing Sleep (Acoustic)" by Charlotte Sometimes
->Can't Sleep/Briana Bugging The Living Crap Out Of Me

36. "Souvenirs" by Architecture In Helsinki
->Shopping In La Victoria (The Underground) w/Carlos

37. "Such Great Heights" by Iron & Wine
->The Crazy Egg Lady...

38. "Family Business" by Kanye West
->Manic Attack In Peru/The Call Home...

39. "Hide And Seek" by Imogen Heap
->Talking To Lyndzie

40. "Far Away" by Knacker
->Damn Florida...

41. "Lost At Home" by The Sun
->Super Boring Day At Home

42. "Lost In The Supermarket" by The Clash
->Tottus (Peruvian Supermarket)

43. "Hey Ya (Solo Version)" by Obadiah Parker

44. "Hallelujah (Live)" by John Cale

45. "Cascade" by Reverie Sound Revue
->The Market In Callao (Again)

46. "Everything Goes Away" by Careless
->Tio Francisco's Wise Words/36136/Thinking Of You Know Who...

47. "Homesick" by The Vines
->Homesick/Phone Home

48. "Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City

49. "We Can Try" by Between The Trees
->The Letter To...

50. "Look What You've Done" by Jet
->Awaiting An Answer

51. "Today's The Day" by Aimee Mann
->My Last Day In Peru

52. "No Words To Say" by Maplewood Lane
->The Answer...

53. "Not Ready To Go" by The Trews
->Saying Goodbye

54. "Love Like A Sunset (Complete)" by Phoenix
->Leaving Peru/The Plane Taking Off

55. "Around You" by Sherwood
->On The Plane/My Way Home

56. "Close To Home" by The Get Up Kids

57. "I'll Catch You" by The Get Up Kids

58. "Let Go" by Frou Frou
->Letting Go...

59. "One Marathon" by Reverie Sound Revue
->Home/The Start Of Something New...

60. "First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes
->The End/"Closing Credits"

Monday, March 8, 2010

no. 037 [my yellow brick road...]

"Over The Rainbow" by The Blanks

Every so often something comes along and pulls people together into a journey of self discovery and realization that surpasses anyone's expectations, and even reality. My trip to Peru was one of them. While in Peru I could not help but realize how perfect and so much like a movie this journey was, I felt like I had seen this somewhere before. I had come into this a lost and scared boy trying to find something better than what I had come to know. By the time it was all said and done I couldn't help but look back and smile at what had happened over the course of the last two weeks.

I was thrown into this unknown world where I discovered people I kind of knew, but didn't know at the same time. Along this journey I was able to see into the problems of others and join them on their own journey to this Emerald City called realization. It doesn't take a wizard to find out that the answers are, more times than not, right inside of you. Whether you're looking for the brains to be able to make a wise decision, looking for a heart to tell you where to go, if you're searching for the courage to move on, or in my case all of the above, and the want to get back home.

As I walked that yellow brick road with my new old friends I couldn't help but think how each of these people had helped me along the way to my own realization. The Cowardly Lion with his pride, power, prowess, and the ability to give in and care from time to time. The Tin (Wo)Man, with her ability to shield herself from attacks, judgments, her sense of self-knowing, and more importantly her ability to love, not just others, but herself as well, for who they are, and for who she is. And last but certainly not least, The Scarecrow, with her wild sense of humor, her smile, the level of fun she could express, her optimistic point of view, and the intelligence she had inside of her at such a young age. I think I will miss her most of all.

While each continue on their own path I know that what they are looking for is inside of each of them, and that it has been there all along. As for me me, I guess I just needed to be brought to that realization. For now I will slip on my ruby slippers and walk that golden path, alone, in hopes that I will discover the answers inside of me: my brains, my heart, and my courage; but for right now I'm just glad to be home...