Thursday, March 11, 2010
no. 038 [my bump in the road...]
"Bump In The Road" by Erik Hassle
It's been a weird almost week back. It seems as if time goes by a lot faster in California. Yet in what has seemed to be so little time I have been able to accomplish so much. While others may argue that I haven't, I will argue that I have. Here is why:
It seems to me that a lot of people have taken an interest in where my life is taking me. Case in point formspring and all the anonymous questions and comments. I guess the purpose of this writing, as vague as it may turn out to be, is to clear the air a bit. Whether or not getting with this new person would have been an "upgrade" or not is debatable. For those who want my honest opinion I wouldn't argue for that statement, or "fact" as someone else called it. I would most definitely argue against it. But that is neither here nor there, because that in turn had no effect on the outcome.
The bottom line is that you can't rush into something when you don't feel it. I pushed my feelings aside so that I could get rid of this feeling of being alone. Luckily she did not ignore that feeling, that gut instinct that told her that rushing into this would be catastrophic, and she finished this before it even started. I won't sit here and say that I'm disappointed, because the truth is I'm not. A relationship with her would not have worked, because I am still in love with my ever so popular ex.
While this may be an unpopular thing for me to say I could honestly care less what any of you think, feel, or even have to say about the situation. Because the fact of the matter is that this does not concern any of you. I have been able to get to the point where I can say this feeling no remorse for any of you. So for all of you that have down talked her, degraded me, and even called me an idiot for sticking it out this far...fuck you. The truth is you don't even know the half of it, so don't act like you do.
As for the infamous "we're not friends" line I pulled, the honest truth is that we are not. I decided that. A person can't say that they aren't ready to be in a relationship then continue with the flirting and the text messages and the constant Facebook comments. That's not my style, and if it means having to be the asshole and walking away from them in order for the both of us to move on, so be it. She's a great girl, but for now that's all she'll ever be to me.
Never say never. As for those of you who think I'm down and out as a result of all of this you couldn't be more wrong. I am fine, honestly. If I seem out of it it may be due to something completely different, which I may or may not address at a later time. But for now moving on will consist of doing whats right for me, and not trying to polish a second place trophy so that it will shine like gold. Because while I may be able to fool everyone else into seeing gold, I will know the truth, and it will always be silver to me. I can't do that to myself, and I certainly can't do that to someone else. I can't pretend to be a champion for someone else when I'm just a runner up. So for now she'll just have to disregard the runner-up. And I will continue walk this yellow brick road alone.
I will just call this a bump in the road. Don't get it twisted, this isn't me turning back. I am still on that straight and narrow...for the time being. Never say never, right? But at that same token, I will keep my eyes open, because if there is something better out there that I am destined for I can't pass up on it due to a possibility that may never happen.
As Buddha once said, "To be idle is a short road to death." I can't continue to sit on the sidelines and wait, but by the same token I can't jump into a game that I am not prepared for. So to follow this analogy I guess I'll remain a free agent for the time being. But a new season starts soon, so we'll see where I end up.
For now I must keep my mind on the present. I will work on myself, and nothing more. So to everyone that has been worrying, don't. And to everyone that thinks I'm making a huge mistake, shove it. It's my life, and it is my decision to make. I will follow this road wherever it takes me, you don't have to follow along if you don't want to.
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." You will all most likely continue to believe what you want to believe, but I will know the truth. "Things that are done, it is needless to speak about...things that are past, it is needless to blame." It is what it is...like it or not.