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Thursday, April 8, 2010

no. 039 [my everything...]

"Affinity" by Red Car Wire

Did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?
It's stupid to use the words others
spent time to achieve
When the words that we're needing
are inside us all somewhere

It's amazing how you can go from being on top of the world one minute, and then literally have it come crashing down the next. I think I've used this line before. You'd think I'd learn by now, but I haven't. Certain things don't really get easier with time. Some people like to think that things will be better tomorrow, but with that mentality time just passes you by as you go day by day, hoping, waiting, wishing, aging, having that chance slip away. But how can you take that chance when the fear that you'll screw it up more than it already is paralyzes you? What can you say when there is nothing left to say? What do you do when you've said what you want to say, or worse, when you're afraid of saying it?
A sin, pessimistic when things that we need to say fall through the cracks
Like I love you, I miss you,
I hate life without you, and where have you been my love I want you back.

It's a catch 22 that will leave your stomach churning, your head spinning, and your heart slowly breaking. Your heart knows what it wants, but it's waiting for your head to dispute it. And your head is so out of its own mind in confusion that your heart just starts to question your intentions, until you self destruct, push it off to the side, or force something, or someone else to take it's place. But how long can that charade last? How long can you trick yourself into believing something when you know the absolute truth is only a few steps behind you? Do you run? Do you turn the other cheek? But what happens when the truth finally catches up to you?

So I don't feel alone in the world,
And baby yeah you're hard to get over,

We're older, it's just a little lie we tell all ourselves,
in itself,
Promise me, let's never
get older.

Its really no secret how I feel, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing the single most important thing to ever come into my life. I'm afraid of moving on. I'm afraid of losing that chance. I'm afraid that she may feel the same way, and neither of us will ever act on it. I'm afraid of losing of her.

So I don't miss the feeling of "left in the cold"
And this feeling of healing has long since been old

I find times when I'm missing the times you convinced me
I don't need somebody to hold my hand softly
And tell me she's wishing
I wished she was with me 'cause I know now I'm drifting, I'm cleansed yet I'm missing the voice of an angel.

For some weird reason (call it intuition) I think she feels the same way. At the very least I hope she does. I really hope its not just in my mind and that I'm imagining things. It may be the optimist in me, but I don't think that this is over. I think that once people become as attached as we have that it's damn near impossible to fully move on. But why am I so afraid to let her know this?

Leave it up to me to blow this whole thing aside and think of nothing like we're nothing
But we're young and alive

The clock on your wall isn't moving at all
Lets break out
, lets go out
Get a room
, a hotel baby

Status updates, Facebook, MySpace, AIM, MSN, things that we were too afraid to delete each other off of...until now. It's things like that that make my head run a million miles a minute, thinking about why it happened, what it could have been that I said, what did I do? Was it the stupid stalker comment, was it the picture, or was it the stupid show? You keep pacing back and forth thinking of what it could be instead of just asking...why? Because you don't want to look like that stalker ex-boyfriend that's why. Yet, I am able to sit here and say this to whoever is willing to read it.

I'm not saying that I'll love you forever
Hell who am I kidding

Because the bottom line, the honest to God truth, and while this may piss a lot of people off (but who am I kidding, I really don't give a shit what you all think), the truth is that I'm still in love with her. And that's not a regret, I'm not ashamed to admit it, and it's not something that I see as needing to change. Maybe one day I'll need to change it, but I'm gonna hope against everything that I won't.

'Cause we're perfect together.
Notice that when we talk I can't help but stutter.
You're too perfect for words
I just want you forever.

The truth is,
I miss you...

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