Table Of Contents

Saturday, September 25, 2010

no. 045 [runaway (let's have a toast)...]

"Runaway (Single Version)" by Kanye West (Feat. Pusha T)

“And you’d do well to stay away from her. All she does is talk about how you're pathetic and desperate, while she texts at least three other guys.”
"You think if she wasn't such a good lay that I'd care? No."

"He said he'd rather sleep with me than talk to me."

"You see, this is why I don't do relationships. You only end up getting hurt."

"Why do you even care about her? All she does is break your heart."

"Maybe that's what you need. Maybe you need to have your heart broken."

"What does your heart tell you to do?"

"Maybe you should spend less time caring about what others think, and start giving a fuck about what you feel."

"If it's meant to be, love will find a way."

"I love you was never a lie when it came to you."

"...I miss you."

And I always find,
Yeah, I always find somethin' wrong

You been puttin' up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

It's hard to look back at the past with an open mind. To examine everything. What happened, why it did, what you did wrong, what I did wrong. I think in doing so I learned not to be a hypocrite. I was mad at you for always playing the victim...but what the hell was I doing? I put the blame on you, because it was easier than trying to see what I did wrong.

Hot and cold tendencies, mixed with bipolar sensibilities, chased in ambiguity...from what my tongue was too scared to let slip, what my heart was terrified to admit, but what my pen was so quick to persist, words spoken that would eventually have a hand in ending the strife, cloaked in uncertainty and a phrase that could cut like a linoleum knife. The same knife I would find in my back on that night, the night a year ago today that you ran out of my life.

Stupidly and arrogantly I knew, but didn't care. I thought they were no competition, my ego boosted by "I love you"'s and "I need you"'s. Frankly, I thought they were no competition because we were in love. But even that wasn't strong enough to outlast the pain, the confusion, the fear. And with that, and my actions, my words, my uncertainty, I became one of them.

Let's have a toast for the douchebags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let's have a toast for the jerkoffs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

I became the very thing I hated. I became one of those boys. The assholes that would rather sleep with you than talk to you. I was suddenly in the same category as the guy who would only fight for you because you were a good lay. However, I wasn't amongst the ranks of these douche-bags and assholes because you put me there...I did that all on my own.

Maybe I wasn't like that during our final run, but lord knows I was in the past. How much did I make your heart ache? How many times did I leave you breathless, and not in the good way? How many times did I make you cry?

CDs amongst CDs of songs that could chronicle every moment of our struggle, our story, our love, at least half of which were sad, if not more. Why? Not because you fucked up. Not because you gave up. But because we fucked it up.

A relationship can only work when the two people involved are willing to work and fight for it. Well, a relationship can only epically fail when both involved help it get to that point. We were scared, young, stupid, and inexperienced in the phenomenon we know as love.

So I stand here, admitting to my faults, because I'm tired of putting the blame on just you, when I know I had a hand in it as well. And even I didn't try. Because that night I too ran away. I'm not perfect. I'm no Superman. All I can be is just me. And to be honest, that's not what I was with you 100% of the time. Lord knows I tried last time, but I guess the past finally caught up to us.

This time I'm leaving that crowd. I won't try to be something I'm not, I won't force it, and I will be damned if I let myself be lumped into that category again. Whatever happens, happens. But I refuse to be a douche-bag, an asshole, or a scumbag again. That insincere and insecure little jerk-off is gone, and all that's left is me.

Run away from me, baby
Run away from me, baby
Dun-dun-dun or get crazy
Just run away.
Baby I got a plan
Run away as fast as you can.

And even with all that here we are again, back at the beginning, yet not at all, both at the same time. Part of me thinks you should run away, the emotional, loving, caring side of you. But honestly, you know where I stand on the issue. Maybe we should let time explain. There is no such thing as coincidence, right?

Run away from me, baby Runaway. Run away from me, baby Runaway. Dun-dun-dun or get crazy Why can't she just run away? Baby I got a plan Run away as fast as you can.

As this chapter closes I leave it in my usual style, confusing, bipolar, cloaked in uncertainty, with more questions than answers, more ambiguity, yet more to look forward to, because I know exactly what I want. What will this lead us to? Who knows. Only time can, and will tell. But this time, I'll be ready for it. I'll be ready for whatever comes my way, whatever curveballs life chucks at my head, the highs, the lows, the good, and the bad. But for now I think it's time for us to have a toast...

Let's have a toast for the douchebags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let's have a toast for the jerkoffs
That'll never take work off

Let's have a toast for what I will never be again.

Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can


Friday, September 24, 2010

no. 044 [i will try...]

"Fix You" by Coldplay

I've been thinking a lot about relationships the past few days. Thinking about why my last really important relationship failed, why I decided to be in the last relationships I was in, why they were kept a secret, why it is that I'm not in one, and overall what relationships really mean.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

It seems like such an arbitrary term, in regards to the romantic sense, "in a relationship", but what kind? Is it an open relationship, long distance, secret, an affair? Does one care more than the other? Are you in one because you thought it was just something to do? Or are you in one out of fear of being alone? The word relationship is defined in so many different ways now. Some hold it to a higher standard than others, while some treat them like trading cards, passing them off as soon as something better comes along. I guess I'm too old school like that.

In my mind I like to think that I hold relationships to a high standard. It may seem arbitrary to put a label on something, but if you care that much about someone then it shouldn't matter who knows. Actually, you should want the world to know, at least that's what I believe. I've spent too much time hiding things.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Me...I can't just roll over and be in a relationship that doesn't mean anything anymore, and inversely I can't just give up that easily on something that does, especially someone that has meant the world, and may still. It all comes down to how much you care about someone, how much you are invested in them, how much they are invested in you, and if you're lucky's about the love that you feel for each other.

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Am I letting the past be a crutch? I sure hope not, but I am using the past as I move forward. I will remember the lessons I have learned, cherish the memories I've had, and be proud of where I came from because it has led me to this moment...and maybe it will lead me to something better. Whether that be something new, something old, something I never saw coming, or even a second chance. When the time is right, I'll be there...and I'll be ready.

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

I guess the point I"m trying to make is that the word relationship is an arbitrary term, but only when it's not real. When it's real, well then it's a strong friendship, an affair, a love story, what have you. It becomes something so much more than a relationship to the both of you. And when it's real you'll know, because that's when it becomes worth fighting for. Whether you're trying to fight for what you want, what you need, what you can't live without, long distance, short yet somewhat long distance, your own insecurities, their insecurities, the fear that you just might fall in love, the fear that you won't fall in love, trying to define what exactly "this" really is, or even trying to be friends again. Relationships only work when they are worth fighting for, and the both of you are swinging for the fences up to the last round.

I hold relationships to a very high standard, and I fight for them, romantic interests, family, friends, and loved ones alike. But especially the relationships that I hold dear, the people that have helped shape my life, and have made me who I am now. And that's why I will continue to try, but not force. If it's meant to be, it will. But for now, I will try, and hope for the best, whatever that may be...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...will...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

no. 043 [A]

"Kylie From Connecticut" by Ben Folds

I don't think I'll ever be able to get it. To me it's like a foreign language, I just don't understand. How can someone just turn their back on somebody that they supposedly love? It's not something I can understand right now, and hopefully never will.

I like to think that if you are truly in love with someone that cheating is something that would never cross your mind. Whether it be the thought of you yourself giving into temptation, or your partner.

To me there are two big things that are unforgivable in this world. The first is infidelity, the second...remaining idle when you know you're being wronged. So I sit on the sidelines not rooting for either side, but rather hating each of them for very different reasons.

It's something that I knew I would have to face, or at least revisit. Now more than ever, as the clock winds down, a few days removed from the anniversary of an uninteresting event, that night in Sacramento reminds me of the pain he must feel, and how much I hate him for sitting there, quietly, hoping, waiting, wishing, as if this will pass over like some sort of bad storm. Yet I sit there on the sidelines, biting my tongue, mouth full of blood, because it's not my place to say a thing. So I sit, and watch the battle unfold, as it destroys them both, piece by tattered piece. But what for? For a thrill? For a change of pace? Did this life that you chose become too mundane? Is it a thrill to change things up? Is there another spark there that you just can't ignore? Or is it something else? Do you fear you made a mistake?

They say the grass is always greener, but I think we should attend to our own gardens, and leave the flowers of others alone.

Day after day, I know that he knows, as she tends to a garden that is nowhere near the vicinity of the foundation that they built together. A choice they both very much had a hand in, yet, she makes a choice of her own, one on the side that could shake what they built to the very core, but does she think of the outcome? Does she even care about the consequences?

I look at him with disgust, because in many ways he reminds me of myself. Yet I can't help it, I hate him for being so quiet, almost as much as I hate her for what she is doing to him. Maybe I don't know the whole story, maybe part of me doesn't want to know. You need to know all sides of the story to be a good journalist...but that's not my role in this play.

Everyone plays their parts, the victim, the other man, the poor soul. And me? Well, consider me the fool on the hill, just watching.

I just don't get it. I can't. Is there any feasible reason as to why infidelity should even be a choice when you say that you are in love? And if you're not in love, isn't it easier just to admit it, end it, and do things the right way? But who is to say what's right and what's not? But if this weren't so wrong, why does it hurt so much, not just the poor soul, not just the wife of the other man, not just the victim (considering of course that she has a soul), but so many others that are pulled into the play, the extras, loved ones, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters.

And as the play unfolds maybe there is no happy ending. Because how can you move on after something so unforgivable? Maybe you can't, and you just sit there, and the fool on the hill.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

no. 042 [goodnight (my double meaning)...]

"Goodnight Song" by Tammany Hall NYC

In a night, I'll turn this all around
I'll shut the light and I'll tune out every sound

What's in store won't anymore be on my mind

I'll say goodnight and I'll leave this word behind

Do you ever sit back and think about how perfect life is sometimes? How it can be so much like a TV show at times, how predictable, yet unpredictable it can be? How scripted it may seem sometimes? I do. But I kind of like it when things come together like this. When things become so perfect, so happy, when things go not the way you expected, or wanted, but when they go full circle, and what everyone except you was sure was going to happen, happens.

Goodnight song,
I guess the stars always had meaning
Sometimes it's like you can see disaster coming your way, then months pass without thinking about it, without thinking about why it happened the way it happened, or why you didn't put up a fight, and suddenly the problem from a few months ago is resolved, just like that. Maybe some things just heal with time, and without you doing anything about it. Certain things just need to take their course; like a caterpillar. It starts out as this grubby little thing that eats everything, then hides away and becomes dormant in a cocoon, then with time it has new life. Maybe that's what this was, this transition period was a sort of a cocoon. But does that mean that I'm becoming a butterfly? I guess only time will tell, but time always has it's way of letting us know.

Goodnight song,
I guess some answers come from dreaming
I like to think that time, much like history repeats itself, like a circle, and right now I'm just coming around the bend. Will it come full circle again? Who knows. But there is one thing that I do know, and that is that it's always darkest before the dawn, and as night falls I speak the same word twice, yet give it two very distinct meanings. On one hand I use the word as a sort of goodbye, the end of my cocoon stage, the resolution to my problem if you will. In a smart ass response I correct the text from the person who has in many ways come to be my mortal enemy, and I remind her that it's one word, not two, and in doing so I write her off in an act that would symbolize a nail in the coffin. And on the other side the opposite is meant. Instead of goodbye it's hello, welcome back, nice to see you again, I've missed you. It symbolizes that problem being fixed, and that circle, or cycle, starting all over again...only this time lets hope that it's less vicious than it has been in the past.

In a night, I'll see who I've become
Some fears remain and some I've overcome

While the word to one person meant the end of that horrible mistake, it meant the beginning to something new and exciting yet familiar to an old friend who I was happy to be back on speaking terms with.

Rest assured, I'm happier by far
Than years ago when I cursed out every star

As Chaucer (or as some may argue, Menander) once said, "time heals all wounds" and as the sun sets on this day I know a new one is just a few sleeping hours away, and it will be here right on time.

In a night, I'll know where my heart lies
And I'll realize what matter's most in my mind

So here I lay in bed smiling at how picture perfect and predictable life can be sometimes. How much like a TV show this seems, with the perfect lines that couldn't have been better scripted, the perfect song playing in the background, a happy ending (at least for this "episode"), and a slowly zooming in shot of a cocoon hanging off a tree in the moonlight outside of my window as night falls. And to top it off, the perfect ending where it begins again with a simple word that says one thing, but means so much more...

Goodnight song,
I guess the stars always had meaning
Goodnight song,
I guess some answers come from dreaming

*Written in September 2009

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

no. 041 [beyond the yellow brick road: my missing part...]

"Tin Man" by Animal Kingdom

It's weird having this empty space. I'm not sure if I liked going off to Peru to come back to things being drastically different. So much went on in those two weeks, and now I'm feeling the backlash.

"I got no arms, I got no legs, got no shoulders but I got a head, I got a head that tells me stupid things to do."

I never knew that time could feel so empty. Hours that were once spent texting or on the phone are now wasted away staring blankly at the ceiling, or at an iPod screen, too preoccupied with thinking about a laundry-list of things to even begin to comprehend what is going on in the episode of RFR that I'm not watching again for the fifth time. Failed attempts at constant re-try's are only furthering the feeling of something being awry. Is this journey to the proverbial Emerald City supposed to be this empty?

"So tell me if it’s love, 'cause baby I’m a tin man. Tell me if it’s love...wanna be a real word."

I lay in a poppy field that is my bed, rusted and weary, with the destination in my sight, and it's right over the hill...yet that emptiness slows me down. Only motivated by dreams that you'll be there by my side, but then I wake up, even if it's just for a second. I carry on, with what would be a weary heart, but instead a place holder that keeps on ticking away the time I could of had...

"And is this love? Is this pain? Got a feeling I cannot mend. Slowly changing every part of me."
The pain in my chest where something that used to work was stands as a constant reminder of what I did wrong. Frozen, time stands still, marking the second those words slipped out of my mouth, questioning everything, even though I knew the answers. My words were the axe that chopped it down, and for what? Out of frustration, maybe? Desperation? Too bad the rain didn't stop me.

"I know you think I’m just a toy, but I wanna be a real boy. Only want to feel the same as you."

Now off course I have walked this yellow brick road alone, back to that Emerald City called reality. Yet it wasn't a dream, and those things really did happen, and I still have a missing part. The only constant is time in itself, but will time heal this? Is moving on supposed to be this difficult?

"Tell me if it’s love, 'cause baby I’m a tin man.
Since you took my heart...I’ve gotta missing part."
Confused, tired, and rusted from the journey I return home and put down my axe to the familiar ticking growing louder and louder, as time keeps on ticking...

*Written in April 2010