Table Of Contents

Friday, September 24, 2010

no. 044 [i will try...]



"Fix You" by Coldplay

I've been thinking a lot about relationships the past few days. Thinking about why my last really important relationship failed, why I decided to be in the last relationships I was in, why they were kept a secret, why it is that I'm not in one, and overall what relationships really mean.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse


It seems like such an arbitrary term, in regards to the romantic sense, "in a relationship", but what kind? Is it an open relationship, long distance, secret, an affair? Does one care more than the other? Are you in one because you thought it was just something to do? Or are you in one out of fear of being alone? The word relationship is defined in so many different ways now. Some hold it to a higher standard than others, while some treat them like trading cards, passing them off as soon as something better comes along. I guess I'm too old school like that.

In my mind I like to think that I hold relationships to a high standard. It may seem arbitrary to put a label on something, but if you care that much about someone then it shouldn't matter who knows. Actually, you should want the world to know, at least that's what I believe. I've spent too much time hiding things.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Me...I can't just roll over and be in a relationship that doesn't mean anything anymore, and inversely I can't just give up that easily on something that does, especially someone that has meant the world, and may still. It all comes down to how much you care about someone, how much you are invested in them, how much they are invested in you, and if you're lucky enough...it's about the love that you feel for each other.

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...


Am I letting the past be a crutch? I sure hope not, but I am using the past as I move forward. I will remember the lessons I have learned, cherish the memories I've had, and be proud of where I came from because it has led me to this moment...and maybe it will lead me to something better. Whether that be something new, something old, something I never saw coming, or even a second chance. When the time is right, I'll be there...and I'll be ready.

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...


I guess the point I"m trying to make is that the word relationship is an arbitrary term, but only when it's not real. When it's real, well then it's a strong friendship, an affair, a love story, what have you. It becomes something so much more than a relationship to the both of you. And when it's real you'll know, because that's when it becomes worth fighting for. Whether you're trying to fight for what you want, what you need, what you can't live without, long distance, short yet somewhat long distance, your own insecurities, their insecurities, the fear that you just might fall in love, the fear that you won't fall in love, trying to define what exactly "this" really is, or even trying to be friends again. Relationships only work when they are worth fighting for, and the both of you are swinging for the fences up to the last round.

I hold relationships to a very high standard, and I fight for them, romantic interests, family, friends, and loved ones alike. But especially the relationships that I hold dear, the people that have helped shape my life, and have made me who I am now. And that's why I will continue to try, but not force. If it's meant to be, it will. But for now, I will try, and hope for the best, whatever that may be...





Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...will...

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