Table Of Contents

Saturday, September 25, 2010

no. 045 [runaway (let's have a toast)...]




"Runaway (Single Version)" by Kanye West (Feat. Pusha T)

“And you’d do well to stay away from her. All she does is talk about how you're pathetic and desperate, while she texts at least three other guys.”
"You think if she wasn't such a good lay that I'd care? No."

"He said he'd rather sleep with me than talk to me."

"You see, this is why I don't do relationships. You only end up getting hurt."

"Why do you even care about her? All she does is break your heart."

"Maybe that's what you need. Maybe you need to have your heart broken."

"What does your heart tell you to do?"

"Maybe you should spend less time caring about what others think, and start giving a fuck about what you feel."

"If it's meant to be, love will find a way."

"I love you was never a lie when it came to you."


"...I miss you."

And I always find,
Yeah, I always find somethin' wrong

You been puttin' up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast


It's hard to look back at the past with an open mind. To examine everything. What happened, why it did, what you did wrong, what I did wrong. I think in doing so I learned not to be a hypocrite. I was mad at you for always playing the victim...but what the hell was I doing? I put the blame on you, because it was easier than trying to see what I did wrong.

Hot and cold tendencies, mixed with bipolar sensibilities, chased in ambiguity...from what my tongue was too scared to let slip, what my heart was terrified to admit, but what my pen was so quick to persist, words spoken that would eventually have a hand in ending the strife, cloaked in uncertainty and a phrase that could cut like a linoleum knife. The same knife I would find in my back on that night, the night a year ago today that you ran out of my life.

Stupidly and arrogantly I knew, but didn't care. I thought they were no competition, my ego boosted by "I love you"'s and "I need you"'s. Frankly, I thought they were no competition because we were in love. But even that wasn't strong enough to outlast the pain, the confusion, the fear. And with that, and my actions, my words, my uncertainty, I became one of them.

Let's have a toast for the douchebags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let's have a toast for the jerkoffs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

I became the very thing I hated. I became one of those boys. The assholes that would rather sleep with you than talk to you. I was suddenly in the same category as the guy who would only fight for you because you were a good lay. However, I wasn't amongst the ranks of these douche-bags and assholes because you put me there...I did that all on my own.

Maybe I wasn't like that during our final run, but lord knows I was in the past. How much did I make your heart ache? How many times did I leave you breathless, and not in the good way? How many times did I make you cry?

CDs amongst CDs of songs that could chronicle every moment of our struggle, our story, our love, at least half of which were sad, if not more. Why? Not because you fucked up. Not because you gave up. But because we fucked it up.

A relationship can only work when the two people involved are willing to work and fight for it. Well, a relationship can only epically fail when both involved help it get to that point. We were scared, young, stupid, and inexperienced in the phenomenon we know as love.

So I stand here, admitting to my faults, because I'm tired of putting the blame on just you, when I know I had a hand in it as well. And even I didn't try. Because that night I too ran away. I'm not perfect. I'm no Superman. All I can be is just me. And to be honest, that's not what I was with you 100% of the time. Lord knows I tried last time, but I guess the past finally caught up to us.

This time I'm leaving that crowd. I won't try to be something I'm not, I won't force it, and I will be damned if I let myself be lumped into that category again. Whatever happens, happens. But I refuse to be a douche-bag, an asshole, or a scumbag again. That insincere and insecure little jerk-off is gone, and all that's left is me.

Run away from me, baby
Runaway.
Run away from me, baby
Runaway.
Dun-dun-dun or get crazy
Just run away.
Baby I got a plan
Run away as fast as you can.

And even with all that here we are again, back at the beginning, yet not at all, both at the same time. Part of me thinks you should run away, the emotional, loving, caring side of you. But honestly, you know where I stand on the issue. Maybe we should let time explain. There is no such thing as coincidence, right?

Run away from me, baby Runaway. Run away from me, baby Runaway. Dun-dun-dun or get crazy Why can't she just run away? Baby I got a plan Run away as fast as you can.

As this chapter closes I leave it in my usual style, confusing, bipolar, cloaked in uncertainty, with more questions than answers, more ambiguity, yet more to look forward to, because I know exactly what I want. What will this lead us to? Who knows. Only time can, and will tell. But this time, I'll be ready for it. I'll be ready for whatever comes my way, whatever curveballs life chucks at my head, the highs, the lows, the good, and the bad. But for now I think it's time for us to have a toast...

Let's have a toast for the douchebags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let's have a toast for the jerkoffs
That'll never take work off

Let's have a toast for what I will never be again.

Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

END?

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