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Sunday, October 24, 2010

My Secret Public Journal, Entry #002: My Season Finale, Part 1: My Big Mouth

So, at the suggestion of a friend/classmate I decided to make these journal-esk writings that don't sum up into a central theme laced with ambiguity and a cheesy song playing in the background. Instead I'll just free-write about whatever strikes me...complete with a little lacing of ambiguity...and a cheesy song playing in the background. I call it My Secret Public Journal.

Love & Waffles,
Ant

ps: don't sue me Mike Birbiglia



"Mouth Almighty" by Elvis Costello

"Holy fucking hell, really Ant? Punch yourself! Hard!" That's all I could think after last night's debacle. Rising to the same rude awakening I did Friday isn't exactly my ideal way of starting off a Sunday morning. Really, why the hell is that bass so close to my bed? The guitar kind, not the fish. If you didn't read the first entry you won't get it. Anyway, let me get you caught up to speed.

Thursday Night
-I get a random text, to which I reply "I want to tell you something, but I'm terrified."

Friday Morning
-I get attacked by my iPod and an acoustic bass guitar that is really way too close to my bed.
-I write my first ever entry of My Secret Public Journal.
-I don't get sued by Mike Birbiglia.

Saturday Night
-Here he comes to wreck the day! After hours of mindless "what if's" and over-thinking here comes my other side, the evil and reckless one, to send what I wanted to say in a text...just not the way I wanted to say it.
-I realize "Holy shit. What the hell am I doing?"

Sunday Morning
-Inanimate objects prove that they are still out to get me.
-Realization sets in. Have I always been like this? :/
-I make a major change (that will be addressed in a new blog, be excited).
-The Niners lose to an 0-5 team...seriously, Carr...punch yourself.
-I realize that I'm not funny :/
-With my iPod on shuffle I come across a song that is absolutely word for word perfect for this situation.

So here I am, writing about how epically I messed up, how I have a big mouth, and how I can't seem to articulate the words I want to say around her. Instead I let my imagination run wild and let my evil twin get the best of me. I guess the best thing that came out of this mess is that I realized that I'm not at the "level" at which I thought I was at. There is no way I am past what I've been fighting against (which will be identified later, patience people). It has gotten the best of me, and the person who had to suffer was her. Great job, Ant. So I spilled my guts in a letter, and await a response.

Once again, if my life were a T.V. show I think that this would be the first of a two part season finale. Cliff hangers are always fun :/. We shall see what she thinks, but honestly, I have come to the realization that I really don't like who I was last night, and who I have been (in regards to her). I think I identified it briefly in my Runaway blog (read it if you haven't already, it's pretty good), but how could I have slipped up this bad to let him return? I hate that side of me. I thought that side was long gone, but boy was I wrong. Again, this will all be covered in a future blog, don't worry if you don't understand.

For now, all I can do is hope against hope that I haven't messed things up to the point that they can't be fixed, but I really, really need to quit being this way with her, otherwise she will run away, and that's not something I want.

To be continued...

ps: The bass has been moved far, far away from my bed.

pss: Lyrics that equal perfection:

This town belongs to you and your tricks of confidence
All the pavements for miles around are littered with your footprints
Now every girl I get close to seems to be wearing your perfume
And the clock strikes the letters of your name
Both midnight and noon

But I used to shoot my mouth off
Till you'd had enough of me
Once or twice nightly
I know I've got my faults
And among them I CAN'T CONTROL MY TONGUE
But if you didn't believe me
Why did you have to leave me
With my mouth almighty

Mouth almighty that's what I've got
Mouth almighty telling you what's what
Mouth almighty
I wish I'd never opened my mouth almighty
I wish I'd never opened my mouth almighty
I wish I'd never opened my mouth almighty

SO I THREW AWAY THE ROSE AND HELD ONTO THE THORN
Crawling round with my crooner cuff-links and my calling card cologne
But the realization of being replaced starts to tell tales across my face
Without a soul to talk to or a hair out of place

But I used to shoot my mouth off
Till you'd had enough of me
Once or twice nightly
I know I've got my faults
And among them I CAN'T CONTROL MY TONGUE
But if you didn't believe me
Why did you have to leave me
With my mouth almighty

Mouth almighty that's what I've got
Mouth almighty telling you what's what
Mouth almighty
I wish I'd never opened my mouth almighty
I wish I'd never opened my mouth almighty
I wish I'd never opened my mouth almighty

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