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Sunday, October 24, 2010

My Secret Public Journal, Entry #003: My Season Finale, Part 2: Excuses

So, at the suggestion of a friend/classmate I decided to make these journal-esk writings that don't sum up into a central theme laced with ambiguity and a cheesy song playing in the background. Instead I'll just free-write about whatever strikes me...complete with a little lacing of ambiguity...and a cheesy song playing in the background. I call it My Secret Public Journal.

Love & Waffles,
Ant

ps: don't sue me Mike Birbiglia



"Excuses" by The Morning Benders

"Don't make excuses, make things happen, make changes, then make history."
-Doug Hall

It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses.”
-William Arthur Ward

“He who makes excuses, accuses himself.”

I'm tired of making excuses. I hate putting the blame on anything and anyone but myself. I'm just terrified, or it's my bipolar disorder; I can't use those excuses anymore. I have to man up and take the blame for my own actions. It's me that decided to stop taking my meds, stop going to group, and try to do this all on my own. But I can't do it alone, I need help. I guess owning up to your shortcomings is half the battle, the other half will be uphill, but it needs to be done.

It's sad that it took me being cut to pieces by the words of a loved one to come to this conclusion. No matter which way you slice it, she was right. I had grown so afraid of losing her that I was pushing her away by being controlling, insecure, and an overall dictator. That's not who I am, at least that's not who I intend to be. And it's something that needs to be changed. No more false promises, or big talk. Today I make a change. No excuses.

I didn't mean to be that way, and I cannot just brush this off and think that it'll just pass. Because as much as it bothers her that I did what I did last night, it bothers me that much more. But this is the fuel, the motivation I'll need to make a change. She will be the motivation. Because even though I may secretly want this all to work out, and for us to get back together, I would honestly be devastated if I were to lose her as a friend. So I will focus on that, but be selfish, and do it for myself as well. Because I can't be that person anymore. That side of me needs to die, and it will die by my own hand. I swear it.

I have grown to become my own worst enemy. I constantly tear myself apart, analyze everything, and just shoot myself in the foot, over and over again. I can't do that anymore. So I set off on my journey, to save me from me. I have to be my own hero. With help from therapy, medication, and actually listening to my doctors, I will fight this, and win.

And as my season finale comes to an end, I will do my best to try to move on, and make no more excuses. I won't let the past dictate my future any longer, but I sure as hell won't forget it, because I cannot let those same mistakes happen again, not from me, and definitely not from her. You live and you learn, and if this cyclone starts to swell up again I will have to use my knowledge of past mistakes to try and avoid it. There will be no fresh start, no starting over, because our past is too long, too deep, too well chronicled for that to ever happen. All we can do is hope for a new beginning, a new chapter, and do the best with that. But before that is to happen I have to change as an individual before we are to change in any way shape or form, as friends, or something more.

I know it will be a long road, but I can get it done, I know I can. Until then there is no walking hand in hand, or side by side. I cannot walk beside her on this journey, this is something I have to do with outside help, and I don't want to bring her into this world, at all. I cannot walk beside her, because if I do it will be too easy to resort to how things used to be, and use her as a crutch. I have to stand up on my own. I won't walk with her, but I'll be damned if she leaves me behind. If it's meant to be our paths will cross again, but until that day comes when we reach that Emerald City I will walk my own path, my own yellow brick road, all over again, and deal with whatever may come. If I need help I know I can always reach out to her, but for now, I think it would be best for me to focus on me, and to end this once and for all. And this time I'm not scared, and I will be ready. This time I have to cross that finish line. While she was right about many things, including that what I had done last night wasn't the first time, she was wrong about one thing, last night has to be the last. It has to. It is my goal to prove her wrong, and to ensure that nothing like that ever happens again. It has to be done, no more excuses, not anymore...

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