Table Of Contents

Friday, October 29, 2010

no. 048 [my return...]

"Shadows And Regrets" by Yellowcard

Being back here is a trip, in every sense of the word. I hadn’t been back to Hayward since before Isa’s accident. It’s been more than three years since my last eye-opening visit. Every time I come back home it gets a little easier to leave again. Even with the memories around every corner, the smell of the polluted air, the noises that I once called silence, I was becoming more and more numb to it with each visit.

I think this visit was the absolute hardest for me. No matter where I looked, I saw images of my childhood. I saw my old friends, I saw my old schools, my old teachers, my old crushes, I saw so much. I was reliving these stories that made me who I am today.

I don’t know why I have such a problem with where I came from. I guess I should be more focused on where I’m going. I hate that everything has changed. This place was such a haven when we were kids. Now, some ten years later, it just isn’t the same.

I not only saw my childhood in those memories painted on the walls, but I saw missed opportunities, untaken chances, and disappointment. I saw mistakes that I had made, and that I partially regret, but don’t at the same time. I guess what my biggest problem with my past is that I can never get it back. Some moments I would like to relive, and some I would like to re-do. I guess in a way I should be proud of my past, because I can’t change where I came from, but I can learn from the past and change where I’m going.

The worst part about coming back here is seeing how things used to be, and how different they are now. From the people, the places, the attitudes, just the overall feeling of it. I don’t get that nostalgic feeling that I used to get.

I came back for one thing, and that was closure. Closure with my old friends; closure with my memories; closure on the old times with Isa; and closure with my childhood and my hometown. This place can never be what it used to be, because the loved ones that made it that way can’t all be here to share it with me. In that aspect I guess I should really move on, but never forget; because this road is, and was the starting point to something much, much greater, because it has lead me to where I am today, who I am today, and for that I really don’t have any complaints. I guess it's just the end of another chapter in this book known as life.

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