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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My Secret Public Journal, Entry #005: Sweet Disposition

So, at the suggestion of a friend/classmate I decided to make these journal-esk writings that don't sum up into a central theme laced with ambiguity and a cheesy song playing in the background. Instead I'll just free-write about whatever strikes me...complete with a little lacing of ambiguity...and a cheesy song playing in the background. I call it My Secret Public Journal.

Love & Waffles,

ps: don't sue me Mike Birbiglia

"Sweet Disposition (Acoustic)" by Ellie Goulding

I woke up today knowing exactly what today meant. I think I've used that line before, but for the sake of this writing it fits, and I don't care if I'm repetitive, as long as I'm not being redundant. But I digress, for some reason curiosity got the best of me today, as I found myself journeying down a long twisted hallway I vowed never to walk again, but this time it was different. It wasn't for me, yet it was at the same time. I knew what I would see when I got there, I just knew it, but I wanted to, and in a way had to see it for myself. And as always, there it was, the empty chair. Her empty chair. Sitting there in the group, untouched, left open, as if it were claimed, or as if she were running late or something. I'm not sure how many people realized what that chair or today meant, but I knew what they meant.

I stayed with the group for a bit, staring empty yet full glances at that chair. Thinking about how much the girl that used to fill that seat has changed me, inspired me, and in more ways than one saved me from myself. In this cliche', sugarcoated room of happy and positive thoughts that in reality meant nothing I was able to find a friend. A friend that got me, got what I was going through, and never, ever judged me for it, even when she saw me at my worst.

So I sat there staring at the chair, thinking to myself how short a year has been. Because it felt like just yesterday that I was sitting in this very chair, looking over at her, and making faces at her whenever someone said something dumb or silly. Or how I would constantly check my phone for a text message from her asking me what I wanted to do after this was done. I knew I wasn't going to have anyone to make funny faces to, or to get a text from this time, but I couldn't let go of the habit of constantly checking my phone.

When I left I felt a bit of sadness, yet I couldn't. Even though the game was ended by her own hand, I knew deep in my heart that she was happier now. And as she said, "no life that touches another is ever held in vain." And even though she was only in my life for a very short time, I will carry the lessons I have learned from her with me, and will always call her a friend.

While everyone else may have forgotten, or pretended to have, I won't, and can't. So I glanced once more at that empty chair, trying to hold back my tears, made a funny face, and imagined her smiling at me, like she always has.

I'll see you again one day, Ellie. Until then, thank you. I will never, ever forget you.


  1. Holy tears man... that one was intense.

  2. This was so sweet and perfect. I'm sure she's smiling right now knowing you wrote this. You live an amazing life, Ant. You are able to pick out all the small things and give them so much more meaning than anyone else I know ever could. I love that about you. :)

    ps: I am mad at you though, because this made me cry, and I don't like to cry! :(

  3. Another great entry. Also another entry that made me cry. I would be mad at you I'll get over it lol :)