Table Of Contents

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

no. 050 [RED]



"Let Go" by Tinie Tempah (Feat. Emeli Sandé)

If you can see me,
then you're probably a little too close.
So you think you could love me,
well you gotta be stronger than most.
'Cause my ex didn't like it, didn't like it.
No my friends they don't like it, they don't like it.
Somebody remind me,
when's the right time,
when's the right time to let go?


This is the anger inside me manifested into something real, something I can see, something I can hate besides myself. Yet, it's a part of who I have become. An afterthought of what is said and done. A part of me I'll never want back, once it's fully gone. He is part of me. A part that I had a hand in creating, whether I'd like to admit it or not.

Red, that's what I call him. The hate that manifests due to a chemical imbalance. The cause for excuse after excuse. An excuse for excuses...but is that an excuse? It's not one that I intend to use. The other side of the coin is someone I've learned to control, but the fire is unpredictable. Too much to handle is what it is. A run-in artist I can't catch, picking his spots for attack, calculated and evil. Yet he's grown from me.

It's my own private war, and my mind is the battlefield. And here I fight while keeping my eye on something else, hoping for the best. My biggest flaw is not knowing when to let go. Is he a friend or foe? Is it my intuition, or my conscience telling me that it's time to move on, that it's time to let go? Do I see the actions as malicious because they contradict what I want and how I feel? I wonder as he pulls me away, my grip strong, hanging on to what I once had, but may never have again. His attempts to flaw my plans only set me back, because I'm too stubborn to quit.

His attempts are futile. He may have the other side sitting in a corner, but me, the real me, I'm too hard-headed to settle. It needs to bite me on the ass before I learn my lesson. So for now I rage on with this war, stuck here in limbo with my inner thoughts.

I look to the left and all I see is a broken shell of a man that I've learned to manipulate, learned to control. The other side of the coin...the boy with a coin. Flipping away his dreams, leaving it all to chance, because he's too afraid to try. But it's always heads...the all knowing, the dominant...the red.

Bullied into that corner, he fears the fire more than anything else. His mortal enemy. An ironic statement, a metaphor, fire and water, but the boiling continues, instead of the fire being put out. Red wins every time, leaving destruction in his path for the boy with a coin to deal with later. Little boy Blue, alone in the corner, flipping, flipping, flipping.

Opposites, entwined into an evil monster, my monster. My own worst enemy. But the one thing they have in common, other than their insurmountable fear of letting me take back control, is that they both need to go. While I have learned from them, channeled them, been them, I have also created them. And now, I must destroy that which I have created in my mind. It's time...it's the right time...it's time to let go.

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