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Saturday, November 13, 2010

no. 051 [my question mark 2...]


"Close Your Eyes" by Young Love

I've had a lot of time to think about the past, and the future respectively. I guess it kind of goes against how I usually think, keeping my mind in the present moment, but I can't really help it. I think I've honestly been able to let go of the past by looking at it for what it was, and will hopefully never be again (well, at least the negative parts). But I can't help but let my mind wander off and think about what is yet to come.

I like to think that there is no such thing as coincidence. I am a very firm believer that all things happen for a reason. I know I've said that a million times, but it still stands true. There has to be a reason for this. There has to be.

Right now I am happy where I am as far as this is concerned. And yes, I am going to be extremely vague. I miss that writing style, and I am trying another shot at it. I guess its mostly because it's always been there for me. I've always been able to rely on it, feel comfortable with it, and be myself around it. I guess I'm using my writing style as a metaphor, in more ways than one.

I like being back in the flow of things, even if I'm not quite used to it. I guess after using other styles of writing it's a difficult transition to go back to how it used to be, but in a way I feel that it's a necessary one. Maybe my writing won't be exactly what it used to be...maybe it will be better. I'm not sure, but only time will tell.

I guess the point of all of this is that sometimes you have to try, even if you're uncertain, have your doubts, are worried about what other people will think, or even if you're terrified that by taking a step back you won't be moving forward; but the only wrong decision is indecision. The future is unpredictable, which is why I've been thinking about it. I'm trying to stay hopeful that this will all work out, but I can't, nor should I expect something, because if it doesn't come true the way I could imagine it, I don't think I can manage the pain, therefore I won't get my hopes up, but will still wish for the best, without planning it out. Therefore I need to keep my mind in the present moment, but look every now and again for what's around the bend.

I am giving this writing style another chance mostly because it's reliable, comforting, and because I have missed it, missed it's feel, it's character, and overall the way it makes me feel. And I know, I'm not really all that great at writing in metaphors, but honestly, after everything that's happened, I'm glad to be where I am, and I can't help but think of what is yet to come. I guess I'm being a little optimistic, and would be lying if I said that I wasn't open to the idea of writing like this from now on. Once again, I know I'm horrible at hiding this, but after everything, she still intrigues me, she still throws me for a loop, and she can still leave a smile on my face by doing the simplest things.

In many ways she is still my question mark, and I'll be damned if I let what others think get in the way of trying to figure her out. Don't fight something if it feels right, no matter what it may be. If it makes you happy, or if they make you happy, then go for it. Right now may not be the best time for me to try, but at least I'm making my feelings obvious, in the most vague way possible. But she'll get it. She always has.

*Written in early October 2010

2 comments:

  1. Oh my god. Why don't you two just admit that you love each other and get back together already?!

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  2. LOL! I want to write the same comment I did three years ago! This is really cute. Best throwback ever! I love how this writing captures what's going on with you and Amanda. I truly do think you two are going to end up back together. I really hope so! You two are too cute together, and dare I say it, too perfect. I love how perfect this all is! Way to go, bugslut. Way to go ;)

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