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Friday, November 19, 2010

no. 052 [the blame game...]

"Blame Game" by Kanye West (Feat. John Legend)

It's so weird to be where I am now. I never thought it would get to this point. Actually, I never wanted it to get to this point, that seems more realistic. I hate feeling like this is a never ending cycle, because in reality it isn't. It's this unbearable back and forth, I love you, I hate you, this tug and pull that isn't getting us anywhere. Yet we continue to play this blame game.

I wrote a rhyme the other day, with the intent of posting it, hoping that she would read it. But the more I thought about it the more I was doubting myself, and doubting that the real message would get across, hidden behind semi-hateful words. Words that didn't call her names, or put the blame on her, but expressed my frustrations. I'm tired of playing the blame game. Blaming myself, blaming you, blaming the timing. Looking for a reason for why we're here.

Going off on one another, how did we come this far from where we were? Anything but us is who we are. I don't get it. How can love be this hard? Writings, back and forth, words that we're too afraid to speak, conveying our love, our hate, our uncertainty, about one another. Real feelings trying to break the surface. Yet every time I try I feel pushed away. And now I don't even know when to try, or even if I should. It's ironic, because I want nothing more than to be that person for her. That person to fill that spot that I once stood in, the one to hold her, kiss her, and tell her everything that she wants to hear, because it's everything that I want to tell her. Truer words have never been spoken, now faded away because of fear.

I know it's stupid to think that love shouldn't be this hard, because who the hell am I kidding, it is. Love isn't supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be worth it. And if it truly is worth it you have to fight for it, and hold on to it, until you can fight no longer, or until your arms are ripped out of their sockets. And even after that, you better get it in a scissor hold, because you can't, CAN'T let it slip away. Even though it may seem like it, I never let go.

I guess I just don't know the right time to let go, and mostly I didn't want to. The realism in it is that you weren't perfect, but to me you were, and you made life worth it. Now, it just seems like a game of tip toeing around the truth, talking to each other when the dust has settled, just to kick it back up again. But why? Is it induced by the fear? Or have we really grown that far apart?

I'm tired of playing the blame game. I'm tired of looking for excuses, or an answer. And to be honest, I'm growing tired of holding on, and fighting, because it's no longer me fighting for our love, it's me fighting you. At least that's what it seems like. I hope to God that I'm wrong.

I'm tired of this one way street, so now I'm standing up, standing in that light, shaking that cage, breaking down those walls, and every metaphor ever used. I'm not Superman. He's dead and gone. I can't save you, as much as I want to, but all I can be is me, and promise to love you unconditionally, the way I've always wanted to. So this is me, being honest, saying the words I've been terrified to say, sounding like a broken record, but I don't care, I just want to get my message across. I love you, and things may, hell, will be different this time around. We've grown up so much in the past year, things can't go back to the way they used to be, but that doesn't mean that they can't be better. But the only way for this to work is to try.

And I know, here we are, back again, asking you, and I have a feeling that I'm gonna get the same answer, that you can't, you're not ready, and I understand, partially. There are so many questions left unanswered. But the biggest one for me is why? Writings conveying a love lost, and a want to get it back, topped off with an "I can't right now." And I partially get it. I do. But just know that I never stopped trying.

There are many things I still have left to learn about love, but the one thing that I do know is that it's never too late. It's never too late to fight for it, never too late to speak up for it, and it's never too late to try. Ultimately only time will tell, but as long as I have the will, I'll fight, I'll speak out, and I'll hold on. Because even though we may have changed, and things may have changed, the one thing that stayed the same is that I still love you.

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