Table Of Contents

Friday, December 31, 2010

no. 057 [beyond the yellow brick road: my winding road (never look back)...]

"Never Look Back" by Zach Berkman

I've spent a long time on this yellow brick road. I've learned many lessons, gone through a lot, but I'm starting to grow weary of this journey. For so long now I've been able to say that I know how I feel, yet I've lacked the courage to do anything about it. As I near the end of this golden path I think, and feel in my heart that I'm finally ready.

Courage isn't so much about facing fears, that's bravery. Having courage isn't about loving, that's necessity. Courage is about doing something about it, about being able to love, and wanting to love. It's about standing up and saying what you are willing to say, scratch that, what you need to say, to give it another shot, to be ready to let the world know exactly how you feel, and be ready to get your ass kicked by love. You have to risk it all. I've been sitting on the sidelines for far too long, holding onto the memories. Today I find the courage.

To me, the courage is to speak up, to move forward, to start a new day, to make new memories, to let go of the past, let go of hoping, let go of over thinking. Today I try not because I want a happy ending, not because I want something good to write about, not because I need to, but because I want to, and I have the courage to do so. I'm tired of these letters from the sky with their code words and reading between the line. Today I write a new story, one hopefully involving you.

I'm not saying Superman returns tonight, but I am saying that I'll try my hardest to be your hero, because despite everything that has happened, you're worth it. Bree, tonight I finally find the courage.

So I walk this yellow brick road, with the heart of a lion, a mind as pure as gold, and the courage I've been looking for. Funny thing is, it's been here all along. Tonight there are no more what if's, or should I's. Tonight I build my own path. The yellow brick road is winding down for me, and the next stop will hopefully be home. And I'll run, and never look back...

no. 056 [letters from the sky...]

"Letters From The Sky" by Civil Twilight

Why is it so much easier just to put the words out there, to hide behind this facade, to send this message out into the open for the whole world to see, but not to direct it legitimately at who it's intended for? Words written down, leaked out of our hearts, drops of emotion seeping through a contained world that will bust any day now. Were we always meant for this? Was this our path from the beginning?

Endless words written down, saying everything, yet saying nothing. Letters from the sky are what they are. Labeled "to" in invisible ink, with a return address conveniently missing. Yet I know who it's for, and who it's from, for I too write letters to the sky. But my heart is growing weary now, and the invisible ink is running dry. Do I pen my words in black, or bring them to life in vivid color? Am I brave enough to step from this canvas and speak the words I've been dying to say?

One of these days letters will fall from the sky, but none will be written by this ghost writer. So don't look up anticipating to catch an unlabeled envelope from me, for I have bigger plans, plans that will be revealed in time.

As for now I will write my final letters to the sky in anticipation that you will read them and be able to decipher the meanings in the code. Tonight I pen my lat prequel, in hopes that I'll be finally ready to speak the words long written down, without reading, or reciting, but from the heart, and let those emotions flow freely, as they once did before. Just once more, another attempt, another embrace. In eachother's arms is where we belong. And I have to try. These are my final words, the last letters to the sky, a prequel to my...

no. 055 [sesame street...]

"Sesame Street Theme" by Joshua Radin

I love having those picture perfect moments where something just hits you out of nowhere and completely knocks you on your ass. For me this knockout blow was brought on by a four year old girl.

The innocence of a child is unmeasurable. They see the world so much differently then the rest of us, and have so much optimism. Sometimes its just nice to be reminded that things aren't always as bad as they seem.

Come and play.
Everything's A-OK

Siting there I found myself completely dumbfounded, as a little girl about two feet tall smiled at me, hugging a purple unicorn pillow pet. I'm not sure she understood the impact of her words, but she did know that it made sense.

A little girl, uttering the words "love is all that matters." How can a human being so young begin to comprehend what love is? As I stood there wondering she held her unicorn in one hand and hugged me, smiling, giggling, and then running off.

Sunny days sweeping the clouds away.
On my way to where the air is sweet.

I thought about what she said the entire 45 minutes of the drive home, and even longer after that. It's a little sad that it took a four year old to knock me on my ass and realize this. Things are so much more simplistic as a child, because they have hope. It's not that they don't know any better, it's that they haven't been exposed to all this negativity out there.

Her words could not have come at a better time. And her words still ring true. When it all comes down to it all that really matters is love. It's not money, it's not material goods, it's not what people think of you; it's about what the people you love think of you, it's about who you love, how you love, how much you love, who loves you, and ultimately everything comes down to love.

And there it was. The answer I had been searching for, delivered to me by a child in a picture perfect moment.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


Why is it that we
only feel compelled
to chase the ones that

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

no. 054 [a writing in response...]

"Cain And Able" by Josh Kelley

It's funny - life is funny. Life has certain ways to just slap you in the face, and make you realize something that you thought you knew all along. Last night I got slapped by life.

Maybe it was the sweet nothings you whispered followed by my instinctual "what?", which would segue into a back and forth that we both know all too well. Yet, last night it didn't feel played out, or old. It felt new, yet familiar, like I was seeing an old friend again that I hadn't seen in a long time. Somehow I knew that girl I fell in love with was still alive, somewhere in you; and last night was that confirmation, last night I saw her.

Four hours of what may have been the happiest I've felt in a long time, ended with you not wanting to hang up. Last night everything seemed as close to perfect as humanly possible. The smiles, the giggling, even the comebacks and setups. My face still hurts a little; and I'm sure it still hurts you as well. But even as close to perfect as last night was, I have to agree; something about it didn't seem quite ready.

So if you want me, you better knock me down.

I guess there hasn't been enough time yet. Enough to fully heal, to grow, but I know what I want. While the courage to stand and tell you everything I want to still eludes me, I know what I want to say, just not how to say it, and I know what I want, or who rather, I'm just not sure how to go about letting you know. To say that we've changed would be an understatement, but I like to believe that while we may bring out the worst in each other, we most definitely bring out the best in each other. Because after all this time I still stumble on my words, I still get shaky hands, I still say everything and nothing, but only when I talk to you.

The honesty in all of this is that I never let go, and that I couldn't. I was, am, and quite possibly always will be in love with you, and I am not afraid of that. And to be brutally honest, the only reason I don't say what I want to say to you is because of the uncertainty of how you might take it. I guess I need to figure out the exact words I want to say.

I wish that love was all it took
I'd fall into you if I could
Hoping for a graceful recovery
But I know now...

It's obvious that love isn't all that it's going to take. But whatever the time, whatever the risk, I will be there, waiting. But I can't wait forever, but I won't dare force anything to happen. This isn't an ultimatum, this is the truth.

To be honest I cannot hear the remorse. Because everything that has happened has led us to this moment. And truthfully, if I had the chance to go back I wouldn't change a thing. I hope you know that. While I may not agree with the choices you've made I understand them, and accept them. It is what it is, but I cannot let them define the future. Past mistakes teach us about what to do in the future. The best thing we can do is learn from them, and move on. What direction that will be is yet to be defined, but I'm staying optimistic that it'll be forward.

While there are things I disagree with you on in your writing, there is one thing I agree with wholeheartedly, and that is that this may in fact be too soon. So until that time, until you find yourself ready and willing, and when I find the courage that I know I have in me, I'll be right where I've always been. You and I both know where that is.

When the time is right I'll be ready to write your name in the sky. But for now I will let this story unfold instead of trying to write it. Until I can formulate a single sentence telling you what I want I have no right trying to write our story. I will let it unfold, and let the song play. Just know that I'll be right there, next to the speaker, flipping the pages, sitting, waiting, wishing, and hoping that one day I'll get the chance to once again hold you in my arms, and make everything right.