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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

no. 054 [a writing in response...]

"Cain And Able" by Josh Kelley

It's funny - life is funny. Life has certain ways to just slap you in the face, and make you realize something that you thought you knew all along. Last night I got slapped by life.

Maybe it was the sweet nothings you whispered followed by my instinctual "what?", which would segue into a back and forth that we both know all too well. Yet, last night it didn't feel played out, or old. It felt new, yet familiar, like I was seeing an old friend again that I hadn't seen in a long time. Somehow I knew that girl I fell in love with was still alive, somewhere in you; and last night was that confirmation, last night I saw her.

Four hours of what may have been the happiest I've felt in a long time, ended with you not wanting to hang up. Last night everything seemed as close to perfect as humanly possible. The smiles, the giggling, even the comebacks and setups. My face still hurts a little; and I'm sure it still hurts you as well. But even as close to perfect as last night was, I have to agree; something about it didn't seem quite ready.

So if you want me, you better knock me down.

I guess there hasn't been enough time yet. Enough to fully heal, to grow, but I know what I want. While the courage to stand and tell you everything I want to still eludes me, I know what I want to say, just not how to say it, and I know what I want, or who rather, I'm just not sure how to go about letting you know. To say that we've changed would be an understatement, but I like to believe that while we may bring out the worst in each other, we most definitely bring out the best in each other. Because after all this time I still stumble on my words, I still get shaky hands, I still say everything and nothing, but only when I talk to you.

The honesty in all of this is that I never let go, and that I couldn't. I was, am, and quite possibly always will be in love with you, and I am not afraid of that. And to be brutally honest, the only reason I don't say what I want to say to you is because of the uncertainty of how you might take it. I guess I need to figure out the exact words I want to say.

I wish that love was all it took
I'd fall into you if I could
Hoping for a graceful recovery
But I know now...

It's obvious that love isn't all that it's going to take. But whatever the time, whatever the risk, I will be there, waiting. But I can't wait forever, but I won't dare force anything to happen. This isn't an ultimatum, this is the truth.

To be honest I cannot hear the remorse. Because everything that has happened has led us to this moment. And truthfully, if I had the chance to go back I wouldn't change a thing. I hope you know that. While I may not agree with the choices you've made I understand them, and accept them. It is what it is, but I cannot let them define the future. Past mistakes teach us about what to do in the future. The best thing we can do is learn from them, and move on. What direction that will be is yet to be defined, but I'm staying optimistic that it'll be forward.

While there are things I disagree with you on in your writing, there is one thing I agree with wholeheartedly, and that is that this may in fact be too soon. So until that time, until you find yourself ready and willing, and when I find the courage that I know I have in me, I'll be right where I've always been. You and I both know where that is.

When the time is right I'll be ready to write your name in the sky. But for now I will let this story unfold instead of trying to write it. Until I can formulate a single sentence telling you what I want I have no right trying to write our story. I will let it unfold, and let the song play. Just know that I'll be right there, next to the speaker, flipping the pages, sitting, waiting, wishing, and hoping that one day I'll get the chance to once again hold you in my arms, and make everything right.

1 comment:

  1. I just read this right now, and all I can really say is that you two deserve eachother. I don't even know the whole story, but after the back and forth between you two (sorry Ant, I saw the blogs you follow and read her blog, well, some of it) you two really just need to throw caution to the wind and be together. The only thing standing in your way is YOU! You two seem absolutely in love with eachother. Mixtapes, hidden meanings, fuck, your blogs are basically about eachother! Please instill hope in the fact that love conquers all and go for it. Hell, just try at least. One of you has to bend, so Ant, just tell her how much you love her already. You have nothing to lose.

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