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Thursday, January 6, 2011

My Secret Public Journal, Entry #006: Last Song For Now

So, at the suggestion of a friend/classmate I decided to make these journal-esk writings that don't sum up into a central theme laced with ambiguity and a cheesy song playing in the background. Instead I'll just free-write about whatever strikes me...complete with a little lacing of ambiguity...and a cheesy song playing in the background. I call it My Secret Public Journal.

Love & Waffles,

ps: don't sue me Mike Birbiglia

"Last Song For Now" by Fair And Kind

I woke up this morning, laying on my tear-soaked pillows, wrapped in blankets. I apathetically turned over and stared at my phone for a bit. I laid there watching the minutes change, knowing that I should get out of bed, but lacking the motivation to do so. Laying there I heard the same song over and over in my head, echoing the words "don't panic". Maybe watching Garden State last night wasn't such a great idea. I wanted so bad to check my messages, to make sure that last night never happened. But when I finally built up enough nerve to check, it was confirmed. I don't think I was ever really prepared for this, but then again, how could I?

we agree to listen
we agree to share
strange to speak in terms
we know it's there
just buried for the moment
still breathing beneath our cares
oh we visit when we can

I guess in a way I wanted it to be on my own terms, and not the way that it went down. It's so weird, because part of me almost saw this coming. I guess I just didn't want to believe that there would ever be a definite end to all of this. And now I can't believe that I said that this is the end.

I don't know. It's hard to formulate into words. The whole idea of us never being able to be, how perfect this all is, in the worst possible way. It's too much like a movie, except, where is our happy ending? I guess life doesn't work that way.

i know it's not been easy
peering through these cracks
at what seemed to come effortlessly
and it was almost everything
i'm sorry i forgot
to keep perspective
you know i do it a lot

So a few moments after I sounded off like a broken record, and we said our goodbyes (for now), I find myself sitting on my best friend's bed playing with the iPad he got for Christmas. At his suggestion I tried the Pandora app, to try to get my mind off of things. I typed in Reverie Sound Revue, and just then, in a picture perfect moment the song that you are currently listening to (if indeed you pressed play) pops up and makes me cry.

i watch you go
again we are alone
we say it's just for now

I'm too stubborn to let go, even though I know that I should. Is it possible to be that much in love with somebody that you just can't walk away? It's too much like a script; too Romeo & Juliet. We love each other, but we just can't be. It hurts; it's right, yet so wrong. A little past twilight is what we are, so close yet so far. Yet part of me won't let go of hope. It's not that I don't want to as much as it is that I can't. It's the only thing that I have, that I truly own, that I have left. And I'm not ready to give it up...maybe not just yet, or maybe not at all. I can't say for sure just yet.

well days are getting darker
i'm lightening my heart
let me give forever
this is just a start

How can a love like ours be so wrong? I used to be a firm believer that nothing's bigger than love, but that faith is starting to dwindle. Should love really be this hard?

i want to glow
for you and you alone
is that enough for now?

I'd hate to stand here and cry, yet I wear a name tag that reads 'OVER-DRAMATIC'. I can't sit and pretend that all is fine, or will be fine, when the only thing I feel is the slow cracking of my heart breaking. Perhaps everything I thought about love is wrong...

So here I stand, a little past twilight, alone, yet not at all, holding on against everything logical, holding onto the hope that love will somehow, some way prevail, almost knowing damn well that it's nearly impossible, yet still, I hope. Am I too optimistic for my own good, or will my hanging on be worth it?

You can't change how you feel as much as you can't change your personality. Maybe as time passes we'll see the truth in all of this. But for now I have too many questions, and not enough answers. Hopefully I'll start to figure them out for myself. Is nothing really bigger than love? Is love or staying true to yourself more important? And will this story ever be told? While right now it seems impossible I will stand with the old adage never say I guess this is it. While the goodbyes have been said, I can't let go, I will sit, wait, and wish, but I can't let it hold me back from my destiny. So I guess this is the last song, for now.

i want to glow
for you and you alone
is that enough for now?

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry. I know how much you love her, and I can only try to imagine how you feel right now. It's a lot to handle. I hope you read this before I leave. I've been trying relentlessly to get a hold of you. There is a change of plans, and I leave for New York tomorrow. We are off to the airport early in the morning. I can't go over otherwise I would. My car is gone and I'm still packing like crazy. I hope to see you before I leave, but if I don't I'll see you in a month when I come back to visit.

    If we don't see eachother before I leave I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my hear. You are an amazing friend, teacher, and person. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And don't second guess yourself. You deserve love, the right kind of love. I know you want it to work out so badly, but maybe this is whats best for both of you. I know you don't want to hear that, but it has to be said. I know what you're looking for is out there trying to make its way to you. If Bree is that person it'll work out eventually. It'll hurt like hell, but it'll be worth it. But I don't ever, ever want to hear you say that anything, anything at all is bigger than love. I won't have it. You are the epitome of sweet, kind, caring, and compassionate, and you don't not even for one second need to second guess what you know to be true Ant. Just don't, please. I never had hope in love until I met you. Don't change that.

    If we don't see eachother I just wanted to say thank you for sticking it out, and being such a great friend. I know it's hard for you to understand, but I'm glad that you tried. Don't change a bit, ok? You've made these last few weeks a little more bearable. Thanks for everything. And I know it's going to sound cliche, but since we're keeping it in Oz, I think I'm going to miss you most of all. I love you (yes, like a friend :p). Bye little boy blue. Take care.