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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My Secret Public Journal, Entry #007: Not Enough

So, at the suggestion of a friend/classmate I decided to make these journal-esk writings that don't sum up into a central theme laced with ambiguity and a cheesy song playing in the background. Instead I'll just free-write about whatever strikes me...complete with a little lacing of ambiguity...and a cheesy song playing in the background. I call it My Secret Public Journal.

Love & Waffles,

ps: don't sue me Mike Birbiglia

"Not Enough" by Our Lady Peace

It's been a weird few days. I'm not used to this whole letting out your emotions thing. I spent the first two days crying my eyes out, as if someone had died. I still find it ironic and hard to understand that tears dry out contact lenses. But to feel nothing after letting it all out, well that's something I can't seem to understand even more.

I went through the emotions so rapidly in my mind. I looked for someone to blame, but RED & BLUE were conveniently missing. All that was left was me. It's weird to look back on it now knowing what I know now. It's like every missing piece has been put into place filling up the gaps, yet by doing so they have unlocked many more unanswered questions.

Part of me doesn't understand, if she knew we wouldn't work out why didn't she tell me? Maybe she had faith that I'd be enough. Enough to break through, enough to make her love me, enough for me to love her, enough to prove that nothing's bigger than love. I guess now there's nothing left to prove.

All I Can really remember that day was the overwhelming feeling of not being enough. That somehow I had failed her. It's like what I was offering wasn't enough. Love wasn't enough. I can't understand that, and perhaps I never will. I guess I'm too much of a hopeless romantic to ever give in to that notion. I guess realistically we all need food, water, money, shelter, etc. But I always believed that love could conquer all (in a happiness kind of way). I guess I was wrong.

I don't really know the point in all of this. I guess I'm just trying to make sense out of such a confusing situation. Maybe one day it'll hit me, but for the sake of writing something down, and trying to get any emotion out of me whatsoever, I think I'm starting to slowly lose my faith that nothing is bigger than love.

I know somewhere the child inside me is screaming, but I can't hear it. I think my heart has shutdown, locked up, trying to save itself from breaking. I want love to save this so bad, but can it? This isn't Hollywood; this is no perfect movie love story. But will I, can I get my happy ending? Will it, will I, be enough?

1 comment:

  1. you'll find someone to complete you, someone who wont make you confused and who will make your heart not have to hide away. you will.