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Friday, January 14, 2011

My Secret Public Journal, Entry #009: Last Kiss

So, at the suggestion of a friend/classmate I decided to make these journal-esk writings that don't sum up into a central theme laced with ambiguity and a cheesy song playing in the background. Instead I'll just free-write about whatever strikes me...complete with a little lacing of ambiguity...and a cheesy song playing in the background. I call it My Secret Public Journal.

Love & Waffles,
Ant

ps: don't sue me Mike Birbiglia




"Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift

I replay that night over and over. I remember what I was wearing, what you were wearing, how your things were packed into your car. I remember the date, how the neighbor's sprinklers were going off, the smell of wintergreen lifesavers. I remember how you held me, how I kissed your forehead and told you that everything would be alright trying to hold back the tears. I remember how I brought my guitar and you told me to keep it down because the kids were sleeping, or how I couldn't play a damn thing because you made the butterflies in my stomach go crazy. I remember the way I handed you that mixtape, how the moon lit up your eyes, how you smelled, and how I kissed your nose. I remember just about everything from that night, but especially our last kiss.

If I had known it would have been what it is now I would have held on tighter, I would have kissed you longer, I would have looked into your beautiful eyes for just a few more seconds before trying to make sense of all of this.

If I had known, I wouldn't have gone away and driven home that night. I would have been there in the morning, I wouldn't have given up so easily. There are so many things in life we can't take back, that we wish we could, and that will haunt us, quite possibly forever. Don't think for a second that you're alone in this. September 25th, 2009 to me is the night I gave up. That's what it means to me anyway.

But the thing is I wouldn't change a thing. Don't get me wrong, because it still hurts, and it's still very hard to think about. But for a second, there in your arms, everything was perfect. Your moonlit eyes, the way you wore your hair up, sitting there looking beautiful, even in your sweatpants, and that last wintergreen flavored kiss.

I think the only reason I bring it up is so that I can feel something. So that my cold heart can be reminded of how it used to be. The feelings remain the same, it's just that I've bottled it up for so long that I almost forgot.

I'm not 100% sure what my point was anymore. Maybe it's because I'm staring at the possible mortality of all of this in the eye, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to let this all go. I'm not sure I want to, or that I even can.

My broken heart is healing, but it now aches for a different reason. Because no matter what I do I still smell you on my purple shirt, those songs on your mixtape still bring tears to my eyes, my truck still has that lingering scent of wintergreen, I still can't play that song on my guitar, and I'd still give you the moon. Just say the word and I'll lasso it down.

A sign, that's all I ask. Let me know that you feel the same. Tell me to stay and I will. We can make that night right, or leave it as it is, the night we had our last kiss...

3 comments:

  1. this is my favorite writing of yours now.

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  2. Thanks for making me cry, asshole! This has to be one of my new favorite writings by you. It was so personal, so raw. And thanks for ruining that song forever!

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  3. You knew I would cry over this and yet you let me read it anyways. Yes, it was very well written, but now I can't stop crying lol

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