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Thursday, January 27, 2011

My Secret Public Journal, Entry #010: Lost

So, at the suggestion of a friend/classmate I decided to make these journal-esk writings that don't sum up into a central theme laced with ambiguity and a cheesy song playing in the background. Instead I'll just free-write about whatever strikes me...complete with a little lacing of ambiguity...and a cheesy song playing in the background. I call it My Secret Public Journal.

Love & Waffles,

ps: don't sue me Mike Birbiglia

"Woods" by Bon Iver

I thought running a million miles away would help. I thought that running away from this would be the solution. I thought putting the blame on you would be enough to keep me from being crushed. Even as fast as I could run it wasn't enough to escape it, because the issue lies within.

My heart is broken, ripped in two, torn between what I want and what is right. I hate feeling powerless over all of this. And I hate how every writing seems to be a writing to you. Another letter I'm too afraid to send, so I post it here, for all to see.

I've run so far that I don't even know where I am anymore. A few nights ago I vowed that I would run, that things would change. I ran a million miles away from you, only to find myself caught up by these problems. I don't have the energy to keep running or to let go, nor do I want to do either or. I'm caught in a horrible catch 22. But neither outcome looks like it'll bring any happiness.

I feel like a broken record. Like all these things have been said before, over and over, just set to a different tune. A playlist of love songs that all say the same thing. Once again, every line is about who I don't want to write about anymore. I do want to write about you, about us, just not in this context.

I have found myself lost in the woods, brought here by my own two feet, running, running, running. It's time to quit running and face these issues. I am just as tired of this cycle as you are. But don't you think our love is worth one more try? Because I very much do.

I would try and try again, but I can't do it now. I won't dare attempt it right now, not with things being the way they are, between us, and for us as individuals. I'm...we're lost in the world. How can we find the love in each other when we haven't found the love in ourselves? It's time we found ourselves. And I guarantee you that when I do, I'll be there, looking for you. You may be lost in the world, but you're not alone.


  1. I like how you related the songs with Lost In The World and Lost. I think you may have had this planned the entire time. I do like the contrasts between the writings. Kind of what you would say a yin and yang contrast. But you are sounding kind of repetitive. But I get why you wanted to. So that you could get your point across. I just hope that you got everything you needed to out with this collection buddy.