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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

no. 058 [4, 3, 2, 1...]

"Cologne" by Ben Folds

Time is an odd concept. It's always moving, always changing, always going. I thought a while back that time could be a good thing, now I'm starting to rethink that. I thought that giving myself some time to deal with everything would be for the best. As it turns out I think that time has made me very apathetic.

Maybe I'm drained, or maybe I'm bottling it all up. I'm not really sure. Is it a survival mechanism, or have I just grown this weary? It's not like I'm doing this by choice. I'm actually a bit frustrated that I don't feel anything. How could I let it get to this point?

Maybe this is letting go. Or maybe this whole thing hasn't hit me yet. Has trying to move on and be happy created some sort of adverse effect? I know I want to feel something, but I'm not quite sure what. Do I really want to spend another two and a half days mourning the death of something that never really was? I know I can't be angry about it, but to feel nothing makes me want to feel some sort of anger.

But here it is. No matter how hard I try, nothing comes of it. Perhaps my tears have run dry. Perhaps it hasn't even begun to hit me yet. Perhaps I've already learned to let go, and I just didn't see it. The only thing I really know is that I can't waste anymore time. If this is meant to work it will, when the time is right, and only when we, both of us, are ready.

I can only hope that those feelings return someday, when I'm ready for them, if ever. I know, and you know where I stand on this issue, but it's not my battle. I have my own demons to overcome. And I will do so, in time.

It all comes down to time. 4, 3, 2, 1. As time dwindles down I begin to question, is this really the end, or just the beginning? How can I feel something one day to just being completely apathetic the next?


I am growing tired of this empty shell where love once existed, in it's truest form. Am I really letting go? Tell me to stay and I will. Just don't let me drift off into this abyss without giving it one more shot, if it's really what you want. Otherwise I'm afraid I'll let go, but only if you let go. My hand is out there, can you see it? Will you hold on? Only time will tell.

4, 3, 2, 1...

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