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Saturday, January 29, 2011

no. 062 [diary...]

















"Diary" by Wale (Feat. Marsha Ambrosius)

I feel a little apprehensive writing this. I think that if I had written this a while ago that it would have been a lot more emotional and a lot more impactful (is that even a word?). But either way, here it goes.

I've always felt like I was being thrown challenge after challenge in a certain relationship. I understand her past to the point that I have been allowed to, to the knowledge of said past that has been made known and available to me. And I believe that we should focus our minds on the present, yet her past has haunted not only her, but me as well. It's hard, because all I wanted to be was the one that made her forget, that wrote a new chapter, that in essence (as she worded) could be the one to save her. "Every problem that you ever had with another man I gotta face." And yet nothing I did was ever good enough to overcome these hurdles, or to keep you here safe with me.

Lord knows I tried, but maybe I didn't try hard enough, considering the circumstances. All I wanted was to be that man in her life, to be the one to make her happy. "Queen you deserve the title, but she rejects what I give, while nurses the wounds by them."

What had happened before continued to dictate what was yet to happen. "I'm just trying to be the one that'll never run, but you run away from me." It's a vicious cycle fueled by our love; yet there is this wall neither of us could get over.

I just don't get it. I have never been able to comprehend how love couldn't be enough. I mean, I get the whole long distance thing, and needing that physicality, and whatnot, but how can love not be enough when we are together? Is it her past that haunts this, or is it really something more?

I feel like just another chapter. Another boy that has entered her life, and didn't amount to anything other than another step back, another reason for things not to work between her and anyone, even if it isn't me. But it's not like I want things to work for her and someone else right now because I don't know how to move on, I can't let go of the sense that I was the best thing to happen to her; as egotistical as it may seem.

Maybe if I had tried harder it might have lasted a little longer. But as she said, she would have run away eventually. But still, I wonder; how much longer must this last? "All I want to be is relevant." But maybe it's really over, and I've become just another boy to break her heart, to let her down. "Just tell me that I ever meant anything, or that you could see me and you in another light."

All I wanted was a fair chance, and yes, I don't believe that I've ever been given that when it comes to her. And I'm not sure I ever will. But I can hope. Hopefully it's not too late and I haven't become one of those boys, one of those poor excuses, another life sentence for an unsuspecting soul, another sad song with nothing to say, another line, another chapter. "No key for release, no reason to be around, her mind's in the clouds, she writes it all down, in her diary..."

2 comments:

  1. I don't believe you're another boy in her life. fuck that shit. Obviously you're not since you two are still tangled up in one another's lives. Maybe you two aren't meant to be together, but you aren't just some guy to be tossed around. You're better than that and you know it. Mr my ego is bigger than the sun dude. Seriously. quit thinking like this, get your shit together, and realize the way she makes you feel sometimes is fucked up. Don't let someone who isn't willing to give you a chance make you feel like this. I know you love her, we all know you love her. But love isn't about putting one of the people in agony.

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  2. I'm going to beat you the next time I see you. You can't take the blame for this. I don't think for a second that you are in that category to her. If you were she would have deleted you from Facebook and would have deleted her blog again. You aren't that person. You're starting to piss me off. I guess the only good that came out of this blog is making me realize that she does still care about you, but she's too weak to do anything about it. You need to talk to her, Ant. If you want something to work between the two of you YOU need to be the one to reach out. I know it sucks ass but its up to you. Don't give me this bullshit "balls in her court" line again, okay? I've heard it before. Don't make me punch you in the throat! You are waaaaaaaay better than any of those guys in her past. So do not, DO NOT second guess yourself!

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