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Monday, January 31, 2011

no. 063 [the funeral...]



















"The Funeral" by Band Of Horses

I have only begun to think about what this place would be like. What it would be like to face the end, to face the death of the single most important thing in my life. People don't normally go into things, start things, and think about the end, at least not in a negative light. I'm too optimistic to have ever put myself in this place, or to have ever imagined what it would be like. What makes it even harder to comprehend are the subtle messages in the sky that tell me that there might still be hope.

I think we try to prepare for the worst as best we can. And when it finally hits no amount of preparing will have us ready for it. You can think about it all you want, but eventually it will happen, because as Buddha once said, "all conditioned things are impermanent."

It's so unclear whether this may be the end or some sort of transition. I've been here before, but not quite like this, this is new and terrifying, yet exciting. Perhaps this is a sign, a sign of much needed change; a fork in the road, a new direction. And whatever the outcome will be, good or bad, I will be prepared for the best, and will do my best to be prepared for the worst.

It's human nature to wish for things to happen the way you'd like them to. It's an instinctual selfishness that persists, especially when it involves something, or someone that you want. The best way to get around this is to be realistic, and to be ready.

So I'll sit or stand at the back of the crowd, either at a chapel or at a burial site, prepared to object or to pay my respects. Perhaps one day I'll be front and center, but not alone. But any occasion I'll be ready, come what may. Whether this is the end, or just the beginning. The death of what we were, are, or what we may never become; I'll be ready for the funeral.

2 comments:

  1. I think this is one of your most relate able blogs you have. One that any stranger can read and can say "I totally understand."

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  2. I'd hate to tell you this, but it's the end. I just read her Fate blog. She's too weak, and looking for an out. You were right about the whole not having control thing. She doesn't want control. I'm actually surprised that you didn't write a blog about that. You know? A response blog or something.

    I love this blog though. You went back to your super ambiguous self. I love those writings, where the reader can just insert themselves into the topic and manipulate it so that it fits their own life. I love it. Its a little more subtle than I thought it would have been. You know? If this really is that Nail In The Coffin blog that you spoke to me over the phone about that one time with the burnt tongue and hot chocolate.

    ps: New York hot chocolate sucks :*(

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