Table Of Contents

Sunday, February 6, 2011

no. 065 [superman...]

"Superman" by Five For Fighting

I think it takes a lot for people to admit that they are wrong, that they need help, that they aren't strong enough, or that they aren't the person that they used to be. I think it's a little harder when you see the role you want to play, the role someone else wants you to fill, and knowing that you just can't do it.

I don't think we as human beings like to pretend. We know what we like, and most of us know who we are, and what we want. But what happens when who we are keeps us from what we want?

We can play make-believe all we want. We can pretend that we like our dead-end jobs, we can fool ourselves into thinking that walking the dog is enough exercise for one day, we can settle for what we already have, play it safe for fear of losing, or what have you. But how happy will you be at the end of the day?

I think some people would be happy with the norm, but I don't buy it for a second that most wouldn't strive for something more. I think deep down we are all looking for the same thing; to be happy. To be happy with who we are, who we're with, and how we got there.

The hardest thing is to realize who you are and knowing that who you have become will not allow you to have what you ultimately want; because when all is said and done the happiness won't be there. I can pretend to be your Superman all you want, and you can pretend to be my Lois Lane, but in the end I'll just be a man in a funny red sheet. And as much as it may suck to walk away from it all, and to admit this, it needs to be done. Because tonight Superman is gone, and all that's left is me. Take it or leave it.

I think deep down we all have the power to be heroes, but the first people we need to save are ourselves. I will wish you the best of luck in your own battle, but tonight I must begin my own. I can't be your Superman anymore, as much as I want to. Will the caped crusader ever return? Only time will tell. But for now all I can offer is a helping hand and the guidance of a friend, who is equally as hurt and as broken. I guess if I can't be your Superman I can at least be your shoulder to cry on; even if it hurts me.

Hopefully one day I will fly high again, but until that day comes I will find solace in knowing that men weren't meant to ride with clouds beneath their feet. I think the second we start being true to ourselves, that's the second we have the power to save the world. You can sit there and call me crazy, but even heroes have the right to dream.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

no. 064 [human...]

"Human" by Civil Twilight

I used to like the idea of being invincible. I liked being the one to be relied upon. I used to like being the hero. But it has been made very apparent that that era has come to an end.

I think the hardest part of life is looking into ourselves and admitting our flaws. I don't like who I have become. I don't like the emptiness I see inside of me. I don't like feeling this weak, this fragile, this broken. But I guess that's what it's like being human.

I think I put myself so far into that idea of being that hero that when I realized my own kryptonite it became too much. I know I've made strides in getting a handle on things, but I think that I have only just begun.

It's a long time coming, but at least it's starting to happen. I can stand here and say that I am human, nothing more, nothing less. The only thing I can do is be me. I can't save anyone until I save myself first.

I think the best thing for me to do is to just feel my emotions, because at the end of the day they are what make us human. There are just some things in life we can't solve, can't fix, can't explain. And I think I'm starting to understand that more now than ever.

It still doesn't make it hurt any less. But that's okay. I need to feel this, to deal with this. To build myself back up, to be better than I was before. There are certain things we as humans just can't do, and I think accepting that will be one of the hardest things for me.

And as it should be, I lick my wounds and heal. I live and learn. This battle is mine, and mine alone. And I will deal with it, one step at a time.

That's the single greatest thing about being human, is our determination, and our will to not give up. Well, most of us for that matter. Because when all is said and done we all hurt, we all feel, we all think, and we are all human. Nothing more, nothing less...

Thursday, February 3, 2011

My Secret Public Journal, Entry #012: Walk Away

So, at the suggestion of a friend/classmate I decided to make these journal-esk writings that don't sum up into a central theme laced with ambiguity and a cheesy song playing in the background. Instead I'll just free-write about whatever strikes me...complete with a little lacing of ambiguity...and a cheesy song playing in the background. I call it My Secret Public Journal.

Love & Waffles,

ps: don't sue me Mike Birbiglia

"Walk Away" by The Script (Feat. B.o.B)

What the hell are we doing? Tip-toeing around this issue? Staying at bay in this cold war of "impossible" love? You said never, yet you stay. I don't get it, lyrics, blog posts, maybe I'm looking too much into it. Maybe I'm being overly hopeful, but I think a part of you won't let go either.

If this isn't what you want then you should leave. "We'll never be truly happy," you said. You know the routine, I'm too hard-headed and stubborn to admit defeat and walk away. I'll fight till I'm dead as long as I feel that there is still a chance. And you still standing there is as much of a sign of hope that I need.

I'm too weak to let you go. I've tried, but I just can't. Are you in the same place as I am? I know why I can't let go, but if you can't either then why is that? Why shouldn't we give it another try? If you can then what the hell are you doing? Friends is not something we can be right now, nor is it something that we may ever be able to be again.

I know it's hypocritical, but I can't do it, but if I can't be your fantasy then I think you should leave. Walk away. Don't give me any false hope. Stay only if you want this to work. Otherwise you'll have to be the stronger person. Let me go. Let us go. Otherwise I will keep on fighting.

Am I stupid to think that you and I feel exactly the same? Why can't we just talk this over? Why can't we find a middle ground? Or if worse comes to worst, why can't we just walk away?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

My Secret Public Journal, Entry #011: After All That, It's Come To This

So, at the suggestion of a friend/classmate I decided to make these journal-esk writings that don't sum up into a central theme laced with ambiguity and a cheesy song playing in the background. Instead I'll just free-write about whatever strikes me...complete with a little lacing of ambiguity...and a cheesy song playing in the background. I call it My Secret Public Journal.

Love & Waffles,

ps: don't sue me Mike Birbiglia

"After All That, It's Come To This" by Amos The Transparent (Feat. Amy Millan)

"She packed up her bags and she's heading out,
She said I know that I'm ready with such beautiful doubt.
It seems that you want nothing, but I want it all,
there's got to be good reason for these dead air phone calls..."

It seems as if all of these horrible writings all start out the same. "I never thought it would come to this," or "love shouldn't be this hard," complete with some cheesy VH1 Top 20 Countdown coffeehouse song playing in the background. And I know what you're thinking, "Jesus Ant, you're doing this writing to a Starbucks song, and yes it's another love writing about 'you know who'," but don't be such a smart-ass and just hear me out.

Yes, maybe I never thought it would come to this, and yes I don't think that love should be this hard, but I also didn't think we'd be this apathetic to everything. I mean I've almost had to force myself to write, to remember, to feel. How the hell did we go from walking in downtown Sacramento to this? All I see is a disconnect. I don't see it at all, and I most certainly don't comprehend it. How can something that has been so close to perfect be so horribly wrong?

So yes, I guess this is just another one of those writings. Or maybe it's not. Am I a horrible person to hang onto the memories? Does it make me a terrible person to look back and smile, love, and miss what we used to have? Does it make me stupid to want it again? To believe in love? To believe that despite where we are now that we could eventually get to a better place if we just talked it out and gave it another try? Or am I just that lonely ex-boyfriend that is ruining opportunity after opportunity at any kind of relationship for fear of losing the only person I've ever truly loved in my entire life?

I think this is stupid. We both sit on our own sides like a fucking chess game, but I'm done being a pawn; all I want is for you to be my queen. Take my bishop, take my rook, the only thing I want from you is one more chance to undo this stalemate. Am I being stupid, or do you also not want to let go? Just give me the word and I'll give you the moon.

"So when are you gonna find what it is?
When are you gonna feel the need to resist?
When are you gonna fear the world?
Are you gonna be here when I return?"

I just find it so confusing to be here, on two completely different sides, yet wanting the same thing, slowly losing our grasp, slipping away. There are only two options; compromise or walk away. It's a little sad that after all that, it's come to this.