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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

My Secret Public Journal, Entry #011: After All That, It's Come To This

So, at the suggestion of a friend/classmate I decided to make these journal-esk writings that don't sum up into a central theme laced with ambiguity and a cheesy song playing in the background. Instead I'll just free-write about whatever strikes me...complete with a little lacing of ambiguity...and a cheesy song playing in the background. I call it My Secret Public Journal.

Love & Waffles,

ps: don't sue me Mike Birbiglia

"After All That, It's Come To This" by Amos The Transparent (Feat. Amy Millan)

"She packed up her bags and she's heading out,
She said I know that I'm ready with such beautiful doubt.
It seems that you want nothing, but I want it all,
there's got to be good reason for these dead air phone calls..."

It seems as if all of these horrible writings all start out the same. "I never thought it would come to this," or "love shouldn't be this hard," complete with some cheesy VH1 Top 20 Countdown coffeehouse song playing in the background. And I know what you're thinking, "Jesus Ant, you're doing this writing to a Starbucks song, and yes it's another love writing about 'you know who'," but don't be such a smart-ass and just hear me out.

Yes, maybe I never thought it would come to this, and yes I don't think that love should be this hard, but I also didn't think we'd be this apathetic to everything. I mean I've almost had to force myself to write, to remember, to feel. How the hell did we go from walking in downtown Sacramento to this? All I see is a disconnect. I don't see it at all, and I most certainly don't comprehend it. How can something that has been so close to perfect be so horribly wrong?

So yes, I guess this is just another one of those writings. Or maybe it's not. Am I a horrible person to hang onto the memories? Does it make me a terrible person to look back and smile, love, and miss what we used to have? Does it make me stupid to want it again? To believe in love? To believe that despite where we are now that we could eventually get to a better place if we just talked it out and gave it another try? Or am I just that lonely ex-boyfriend that is ruining opportunity after opportunity at any kind of relationship for fear of losing the only person I've ever truly loved in my entire life?

I think this is stupid. We both sit on our own sides like a fucking chess game, but I'm done being a pawn; all I want is for you to be my queen. Take my bishop, take my rook, the only thing I want from you is one more chance to undo this stalemate. Am I being stupid, or do you also not want to let go? Just give me the word and I'll give you the moon.

"So when are you gonna find what it is?
When are you gonna feel the need to resist?
When are you gonna fear the world?
Are you gonna be here when I return?"

I just find it so confusing to be here, on two completely different sides, yet wanting the same thing, slowly losing our grasp, slipping away. There are only two options; compromise or walk away. It's a little sad that after all that, it's come to this.

1 comment:

  1. I loved the imagery in this writing. I know what the empty dock represents, and I know she'll know. The hands over the train tracks, wow. You really do know how to pick these pictures don't you? I love the subtle nuances that you throw in there. The songs, the lyrics, the writings, the pictures. This one has to be the most perfect little coming together of all of your elements wrapped up in one. The writing could not stand without the imagery. I love it!